Struggling with what? Well, everything really. I’m struggling to write this and with the things I’m finally having to admit to myself and what it all means for my life.
I slipped really badly on two occasions in the last couple of weeks. When I started out on an alcohol-free January it was an experiment, a health-improvement measure but not really a serious admission of having an alcohol problem. Things are changing and I’m admitting I do have a problem.
I spent the last 36 hours mainly in bed. At first really hung over and then just feeling deflated, defeated, anxious and depressed, unable to face life and the world. I’m emerging now – I have to, I’m working tonight and I have stuff to do today to keep things in my general life together.
I’m trying to ‘try different’ and have started listening to podcasts. I’ve discovered the bubble hour and the Josh Korda talks which I particularly love. I can’t remember specifically which blogs linked to these but if yours does then thank you, they are wonderful resources. I’ve managed to link up an ancient ipod shuffle with itunes on my PC so I can listen to them while I’m at work. I’m also listening to them when I’m working on my artwork at home which is proving to be a lovely combination.
I’ve identified some SMART recovery meetings that are local to me and am thinking about going but as I’ve written before, walking into a room full of strangers is really not my strong point. Extreme social awkwardness and anxiety is probably the original reason I embraced alcohol so fondly so it’s going to be a huge hurdle to get over and actually go anywhere. I’ve also found a local buddhist centre where I can go to meditation classes but I have the same issue about actually getting there.
I’m still struggling with what to call this, how to label where I’m at, or whether to label it at all. Admitting it’s moved from an experiment to a problem is partly terrifying, partly a relief and it’s also triggering something akin to a feeling of grief. Part of me has taken a deep breath, a huge sigh of relief and part of me is flailing around like a wild animal saying ‘Don’t even think about using the A word you crazy fucking bitch!’.
Anyway, that’s where I’m currently at. It’s not a comfortable place but it is what it is. It’s time to get serious about committing to changing things and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I do feel a bit better now I’m written this out so if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.
Wishing you all a lovely weekend.