Not terrible, not great but OK – which is OK for now.
It’s been an eventful week with a real mixture of experiences and feelings. I went out bowling with some people from work and didn’t drink which was surprisingly enjoyable. I find it hard to do general chat with people I don’t really know and usually hide behind a few drinks. Doing it sober was easier because my head wasn’t totally fuddled and I could think straight and talk sense. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not actually any easier to do drunk – I think I just talk more crap and tell myself I’ve done OK with it.
What I did find interesting was nobody really noticed or commented on me not drinking. I drank pints of soda and lime and in the dim lighting they may have looked like pints of lager. When we left, people were asking myself and my partner how we were getting home. When I told them I was driving they finally realised I hadn’t been drinking.
Yesterday was a nice sunny day where I am and I went to sit in the garden with the cat. I’ve realised this is a big trigger for me, it’s what set me off 9 days ago. I was thinking ‘Ooh, wouldn’t it be nice to have a glass of wine in the sun and read my book?’ The drinking part of my mind has a very short memory. That’s exactly how it started last time. I drank the bottle, went to my local shop and bought another bottle and some chippy chips. I stuffed myself with chips, drank half of the 2nd bottle, crashed out on the sofa, woke up in the early hours with a sinking heart and a banging head and proceeded to drink what was left. This is the sorry scenario I played out in my mind yesterday to answer that nagging craving voice.
I felt restless, flat, bored and had craving after craving all day and evening. I have so little motivation to do anything at the moment. The house is a mess. I’ve done almost no artwork. I’ve slept huge amounts and binge-watched netflix. I’ve eaten crap food and not really cooked much. An extremely slobby unproductive week all in all – but at least I didn’t drink! I did manage to do a trip to the supermarket yesterday for groceries and just ignore the wine section although I really, really, REALLY wanted a drink. That felt like a real achievement.
I’ve identified a Tuesday meditation class and a Thursday SMART meeting and my next goals are to start attending these. As a person who considers two ‘social/out of the home’ events a month to be plenty to suddenly go to things twice a week will be a big leap. Although I really enjoy and need time alone as a ‘creative introvert’ type it has gone too far in the last few years. I’m tending to isolate and lose the momentum to face my fears/intertia and go out and meet new people.
I feel like I need to meet people that understand where I’m at and what I’m feeling. My few old friends and partner are lovely people but none of them seem to understand or believe how deep my problems run. My wolfie voice is saying ‘See! You’re really not that bad! Everybody says so.’ but it’s time to stop listening to that and acknowledge that I’ve had about 27 years to get really good at hiding aspects of my drinking.
That’s all for now. Strength and hugs to anybody who’s struggling and a happy sober weekend to all X
You’re doing great. Eight days. You’re through the first week. It will get easier. I’m sure you’ve heard this. But it really, really will. Who cares if the house is a mess and you’re watching a lot of Netflix. (I recommend Happy Valley, The Fall, Sherlock, Foyle’s War–seems I’ve got a thing for the Brits.) All that matters for now is that you not drink. That’s the only goal, as you know (since you mentioned Wolfie.) When I pass the wine section (and you have to go through it without doing a backtrack), I look at the racks of wine and tell them, “Fuck off.” Not out loud yet, but maybe next time. Sitting in the garden with the cat sounds lovely. NBR (no booze required). Nobody but us knows the truth of our relationship with booze. And as I can attest, sometimes even we don’t know until we’ve been sober a while.
Happy Sober Weekend, to you!
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Only people suffering from the same malady will truly understand you.People like me and many others who have the same insane rationality when it comes to drinking.
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It’s good to know that they are out there and none of us are alone in this 🙂
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