I haven’t had time to write anything over the last week but I’m still sober and doing OK. It’s been an odd week and my moods have been up and down like a rollercoaster though I’ve had no major cravings which is a good sign.
Yesterday I was floating on the most ridiculous pink cloud. I sat in the garden with my kindle, a notebook and my cat. It is exceptionally hot here by UK standards so I felt like I was on holiday somewhere rather than by my kitchen door. My mood was euphoric, almost as good as a peak experience. My life and the future felt full of magic and potential and I felt like everything is going to be OK, whatever sober life brings. I wanted to scoop y’all up for a big picnic on that huge pink cloud with me 😀
Today is not so good. It’s not baaaad, bad but I just feel like I can’t be bothered to do anything. I’ve also got a niggly headache which is probably the usual coffee/dehydration seesaw I ride, exacerbated by the high temperatures.
I had a slight wobble tonight. Today’s can’t be bothered mood meant I avoided going out to do some bits of grocery shopping that I needed before I disappear into my run of night shifts. I realised I was going to have to do it tomorrow and I detest busy Saturday supermarkets so I decided to get in my car and drive to the 24 hour one and get it over with tonight. Driving there around midnight is usually something I only do when I’ve tried not to drink, failed and thought ‘fuck it!’ and gone there for wine. Even though the wine thoughts were not what took me there this time there’s obviously a whole set of associations worn into a groove in my brain that set off a whole load of other associations with relapse and drinking thinking.
It felt odd and slightly disturbing but there was honestly no real danger I was going to crumble and buy some wine. It was just some habitual thoughts chattering away unconvincingly.
I also talked to my partner this week and told him I’d be happy to skip going away on holiday this summer. I’m feeling fairly strong at home but I don’t want to fall over while I’m away again. If we went away when we’d planned to I would be at the same stage I was at when I started drinking again in Venice last year. I was totally honest with him about the reason I wasn’t keen to go and he was fine with it. We’ve decided to put the money we would have spent towards a much-needed new bathroom and I get to wait until much farther along before I have to face my first sober holiday. It’s all good.
I think that’s about it for now. I’m tired but I need to stay awake for another 5 hours or I’ll mess up my sleep pattern for work. I think I’ll go shoot some stuff on the xbox, that’ll get me hyper enought to last until morning. Have a happy, sober weekend everybody x