Day 38, still sober

I haven’t had time to write anything over the last week but I’m still sober and doing OK. It’s been an odd week and my moods have been up and down like a rollercoaster though I’ve had no major cravings which is a good sign.

Yesterday I was floating on the most ridiculous pink cloud. I sat in the garden with my kindle, a notebook and my cat. It is exceptionally hot here by UK standards so I felt like I was on holiday somewhere rather than by my kitchen door. My mood was euphoric, almost as good as a peak experience. My life and the future felt full of magic and potential and I felt like everything is going to be OK, whatever sober life brings. I wanted to scoop y’all up for a big picnic on that huge pink cloud with me 😀

Today is not so good. It’s not baaaad, bad but I just feel like I can’t be bothered to do anything. I’ve also got a niggly headache which is probably the usual coffee/dehydration seesaw I ride, exacerbated by the high temperatures.

I had a slight wobble tonight. Today’s can’t be bothered mood meant I avoided going out to do some bits of grocery shopping that I needed before I disappear into my run of night shifts. I realised I was going to have to do it tomorrow and I detest busy Saturday supermarkets so I decided to get in my car and drive to the 24 hour one and get it over with tonight. Driving there around midnight is usually something I only do when I’ve tried not to drink, failed and thought ‘fuck it!’ and gone there for wine. Even though the wine thoughts were not what took me there this time there’s obviously a whole set of associations worn into a groove in my brain that set off a whole load of other associations with relapse and drinking thinking.

It felt odd and slightly disturbing but there was honestly no real danger I was going to crumble and buy some wine. It was just some habitual thoughts chattering away unconvincingly.

I also talked to my partner this week and told him I’d be happy to skip going away on holiday this summer. I’m feeling fairly strong at home but I don’t want to fall over while I’m away again. If we went away when we’d planned to I would be at the same stage I was at when I started drinking again in Venice last year. I was totally honest with him about the reason I wasn’t keen to go and he was fine with it. We’ve decided to put the money we would have spent towards a much-needed new bathroom and I get to wait until much farther along before I have to face my first sober holiday. It’s all good.

I think that’s about it for now. I’m tired but I need to stay awake for another 5 hours or I’ll mess up my sleep pattern for work. I think I’ll go shoot some stuff on the xbox, that’ll get me hyper enought to last until morning. Have a happy, sober weekend everybody x

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21 thoughts on “Day 38, still sober

  1. Lily 🌷 July 23, 2016 / 4:02 pm

    You are doing great, and sounds like your partner is really supportive which is very important . 🌷

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater July 23, 2016 / 5:23 pm

      Thanks Lily! Yes he’s good like that, I appreciate it. He’s also noticed the difference between the drinking me and the sober me which helps 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  2. nomore4116 July 24, 2016 / 3:32 am

    I ride the emotional roller coaster too. Sometimes day to day, other times hour to hour, lol. It seems like you’re really in control though. But oh man, the ability to buy alcohol at any time of the night?! I live in a “tough law” state in the US and we can only get alcohol at certain stores within certain time frames. If it’s after 9pm or a Sunday (closed), you’re not getting anything without driving to a different state. Which has been a life saver for me. Good for you on realizing the association, but recognizing that you were stronger than that and didn’t need to repeat any past late night alcohol runs.

    I am so, so afraid of vacations. That is really strong of you to admit you didn’t want to go and even more amazing of him to accept it without a problem. Good for you! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater July 24, 2016 / 10:23 am

      I never really thought about the 24/7 availablity of booze here, I guess it has got me in trouble quite a few times 🙂

      Like

  3. No good wineing July 24, 2016 / 9:40 am

    You are doing really well. Keep it up, it is inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Untipsyteacher July 24, 2016 / 11:54 pm

    Dear TOTW,
    So smart about vacation!
    And a new bathroom will be nice!
    I think the heat can make our moods go wobbly.
    Hubs and I are struggling with sinus headaches due to heat and humidity here.
    So very glad you are sober at day 38!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. thenewnewguy July 26, 2016 / 8:32 pm

    You are making good choices. Keep making them, every day! Congratulations on the great work you are doing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Daisy Dennedy August 9, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    I am new to sobriety also, you’re doing great! I ride the same roller coaster that you spoke of too. One day I feel great and peaceful but the next day I can feel antsy and anxious.

    When I feel down or shaky about my sobriety I try to listen to podcasts. I’ve found that HOME podcast by HipSobriety.com to be very helpful and comforting. The blog is also fabulous. Best wishes xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 11, 2016 / 4:57 pm

      Hi Daisy, thanks for your lovely comment. I love podcasts too, I find them so interesting and helpful. My newest favourite is the recovery elevator. I hope you’re having a great sober day, best wishes 🙂

      Like

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