9 weeks – day 63

I’m well into new territory now as this is the longest I’ve gone without alcohol since I was a teenager. 9 whole weeks! I partly feel like it’s been ages and partly feel like it’s flown by.

I’m feeling strong and positive today. I got up early and went for a 45 minute fast walk to get sweaty, get my blood pumping and start the day. The weather looks pretty promising and I have the rest of the week off so that’s all good. I’ve got plenty of ideas and plans for my artwork, decluttering and fermenting for the next few days and I’m definitely appreciating having what feels like a lot of sober, productive time at the moment.

My sauerkraut experiment is now on day 5 and it’s starting to smell like proper sauerkraut and not just like somebody farted while attempting to do the cabbage soup diet. I have an organic cucumber and some carrots hanging about in the kitchen so I might have a go at combining those into some sort of fermentable creation later today. I can feel a new hobby coming on 😀

I did a lot of thinking during my walk, mainly about sobriety and spirituality. I’m feeling different somehow at the moment and I’m not quite sure how to explain it. I’m reconnecting to a feeling I remember having as a child. Whenever unpleasant shit would happen in my life (such as bullying, parental illness, family financial problems etc) I would feel small, scared, sad or whatever negative expression came about but there was always a small light tucked away deep inside me that would feel, or know, or have faith that in the bigger picture everything would somehow be alright in the end. I’ve carried the memory of that feeling with me my whole life but now I think I’m actually experiencing the feeling again which is huge.

I’m not religious and neither was my upbringing although I’ve always had some sense of there being something ‘higher’ but no clear concept of what it is exactly. As it’s not something I’ve ever really talked about I’ve never felt the need to define it. There is much talk about a higher power in 12 step information and I like the concept that the individual can choose what form it takes. I’ve meditated for over 20 years using a set of phrases that give praise, gratitude and love to a ‘higher’ concept of the individual’s choosing. I’ve also had some pretty powerful and inexplicable changes in consciousness, either spontaneously for unknown reasons, through drug taking or through meditation…

I have a vivid memory of slipping into a different state of consciousness when I was still a child young enough to be looking out through cot bars. I recognised this state as familiar when I experimented with hallucinogens as a teenager and once again recognised it during an extreme altered state that was brought about through meditation in my 30s. The common theme that binds all these moments was the experience of being able to really feel and even see energy. I saw everything as being composed of sparkling motes of energy. Woah! now I sound like I’ve been drinking the Kool Aid don’t I?! Or maybe it’s whatever is off-gassing from the sauerkraut?!

What I began to theorize during my walk is that alcohol has been drowning out the small fire deep inside me and also damping down my energy into a much lower state than a human is capable of. When I read all this back it sounds so Woo Woo and mystical but that’s not really where I’m coming from. I get pretty skeptical when I hear people getting excited about something like ‘the secret’ and use it to try to attract themselves a fat salary and a new sports car. I do however keep coming back to energy as some form of attracting/repelling/higher force as a key part of my thoughts today. Um, what am I trying to say here?… focus…

I believe that there are many ways we can move ourselves towards a positive, uplifted, courageous, open minded, open to change/challenge and dare I say it, higher energy state. The content of our thoughts, the ways we breathe and move – or don’t move, the people with which we surround ourselves, the quality of our food and drink! are just a few that come to mind. Alcohol is most definitely not a part of this list. That romanticised moment of glistening glass in the sparkly sunshine will whisper that it is a route to a higher state until we play the film to the end when we’re laid low and bottomed out and we’ve given away our potential energy to the wine witch and spend the next day begging to have some of it back.

By the time I’d finished my walk I’d come up with a new thought/life experiment for myself. I’m offering up my life and sobriety to my concept of a higher power. This isn’t a blind faith, washing my hands of all responsiblity, sit back and let the world give me what I think I deserve kind of thing – far from it. I’ve vowed to be mindful of my thoughts as much as possible, to express gratitude daily, to eat well, exercise, be creative and always look ahead for the next right thing to do and be prepared to work hard for it. When I disappear into future fear or negative thinking I’ll come back to the present and reconnect with that part of me that knows that whatever heaven or hell life throws my way there will always just be the next right thing to do and any worrying I do about the future now is pointless as the next right thing is always now and not then. Oh yeah, and I won’t drink.

Well, now I’m a bit scared of publishing this in case you all think I’m a total weirdo 😀 Maybe I need to also make a vow to stop worrying so much about what people think of me. Have a lovely sober day everybody and if anybody is low on energy today I’ll send you some of mine, I seem to have some to spare today. Hugs x

 

 

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “9 weeks – day 63

  1. soberisland August 17, 2016 / 3:20 pm

    You are a good writer- I hope you know that. I have been thinking a lot about energy too and I know what you are talking about with the hallucinogens and the sober form of it being similar. Keep writing about it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 10:16 am

      Thank you for saying that! I’m never sure, I often read through stuff again and wonder if it makes sense to people. I think I was a bit hyper yesterday – some of my sentences are half a mile long 😀 It does feel really good to reconnect to this side of life. I think I probably drank partly because I was sad about the lack of spiritual energy but it was the drink keeping me from it *sigh*!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. HabitDone August 17, 2016 / 3:54 pm

    I, too, think your posts are interesting and thought provoking. I loved this one. Great things to think about in regard to energy…..which seems to be lacking in me right now. I feel the shift coming, it’s around the bend, I’m just not quite there yet! But I will get there.

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 10:20 am

      Thank you so much! I know all about lacking energy, I usually really struggle with fatigue (I have thyroid issues). This burst of wonderful has just hit me this week from out of the blue. Keep going, it definitely does start to get better – I’ve been telling myself that for so long but I’m actually feeling it for real now. Thank you for your lovely comment. Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Daisy Dennedy August 17, 2016 / 4:44 pm

    Very inspirational! You’re not a weirdo at all, it sounds like you’re on a great path. I read a ton of new age spiritual and self help books. I too believe – -if we’re wrong… So what!! Being positive, grateful, mindful are all great qualities. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 10:28 am

      Thank you! I was honestly a bit worried about posting this but the response has been so positive I feel less alone now 🙂 I shouldn’t be surprised though because so much of what I’ve read about addiction points to it being in large part a spiritual issue it’s no wonder a great many addiction bloggers are also on that path. Take care, be well x

      Like

  4. thesobergarden August 17, 2016 / 9:11 pm

    Hello there, your words and the thoughts behind them have got me thinking! Thanks everso for sharing them. It’s funny (peculiar funny, not ha ha funny) because two mins before I read your post, I’d JUST read a really interesting post, also about faith, over at https://abbieinwondrland.wordpress.com
    By the way, congratulations on 9 weeks! Bravo. Love from The Sober Garden.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 10:37 am

      Hi! Thank you for your supportive comment. I’m happy if my words helped in any way. I also follow Abbie’s blog, she’s so much further down the path and so knowledgable about recovery. Thanks again for stopping by, it’s no fun doing it alone. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Untipsyteacher August 17, 2016 / 9:11 pm

    Sounds lovely!
    I am in a better place spiritually, not in a church way, but just as you wrote.
    One of gratitude.
    xo
    Wendy
    PS – Happy 9 weeks!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 10:40 am

      Thanks Wendy! I’m so glad you have found your way to a grateful spiritual place too. It seems the spiritual side of things is strong in many of us who are recovery blogging. Take care, hugs 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. nomore4116 August 18, 2016 / 1:57 am

    I love this post. It’s not weird at all. I think we’re all capable of feeling and seeing energy. We just need to be open to it and not bog our bodies and brains down with toxins.

    I’m so so happy to see that you’ve made it past your previous longest stretch! This is amazing news!

    Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 18, 2016 / 11:11 am

      Thank you! It’s wonderful how many of us are open to this side of things. I hope everything is going well with you too. Hugs! 🙂 x

      Like

  7. Rachel Doesn't Drink Here Anymore August 22, 2016 / 5:01 am

    Not a weirdo – I agree too, and recently came to a similar revelation. The bigger yes, as Laura McKowen so beautifully put it.

    Keep on thinking and sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 22, 2016 / 8:31 am

      Thanks Rachel 🙂 I hadn’t heard of the bigger yes, I just went and read her post on it – it’s spot on, thanks for putting me onto it. I’m so happily amazed that so many sober bloggers totally get what I was saying here – I thought it was just me and kept it very hidden for most of my life 😀

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s