Day 19 – almost 3 weeks

Things are going well at the moment. I’m still sleeping phenomenal amounts but it’s quite enjoyable, particularly as I’ve now got 9 days off work.

Something interesting happened last night, my partner came home with a bottle of red wine. When he first walked in my eyes fixed immediately on the bottle in shock. ‘How could he?!’ was my first thought but I stayed calm and asked if the bottle was for me. It turned out that a work colleague had given it to him to thank him for something. I asked if he minded me putting it at the back of the pantry and forgetting about it and he was fine with this. Drama and upset averted, that’s exactly what I did.

I’m quite proud of my calm response to this but what I’m more happy about is that it actually wasn’t that big a deal. During previous attempts that could easily have sent me off the rails but this time it didn’t really hold much appeal. That’s a pleasant surprise and a good sign I think.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about a strange conversation I had with my dad a while ago. I can’t remember the context exactly but I think we were talking about weight gain and bingeing on too many christmas munchies. At one point he said ‘At least we don’t binge drink eh?’ I was speechless for a second or so but I quickly moved on to avoid being given away by my silence.

I’ve had very mixed feelings about this moment. Part of me is happy that he doesn’t have any idea about my drinking. I’m lucky that my dad is a slightly old fashioned but lovely man who has always tried to do his best for me, and views me through idealistic eyes. Part of me is also sad that he doesn’t really, truly know me at all. I don’t know how many years he has left but I don’t want to taint them with the knowledge that his ‘sweet’ daughter actually has a seriously dark side that has rarely met a drink or drug she didn’t like. It does make me sad that I’m hiding away a big chunk of my true nature though 😦

To finish on a lighter note, I also discovered that classic disco music combined with rebounding is a pretty effective antidote to those restless/craving moments and I can feel yet another snooze coming on Zzzz

Have a good sober day x

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