Birthday balls-up :(

Unfortunately I’m back on day 1. It was my birthday on Saturday and I went out with some friends to celebrate. I thought I’d planned it well enough to insulate me from any really bad temptation. We met for coffee first and the plan was to go straight from coffee to the restaurant. The problem was, the coffee place shut earlier than the restaurant opened, which I had overlooked. It was -4 outside so there was no way we were hanging around and the only other warm place open was the pub.

It was a pure ‘fuck it’ moment that I’m still a bit bewildered by. I wasn’t even particularly struggling or craving. I guess the right (or wrong) combination of elements came together and triggered a bunch of associations in my brain and I ordered a glass of wine. 2 of us were driving, leaving me and one other to possibly drink. That one was one of my oldest friends and on many occasions my partner in crime for heavy drinking/drug taking sessions. For me to end up standing at a bar with him on a birthday Saturday night was evidently too much for me to handle 3 weeks in.

I didn’t end up with a dreadful hangover but I woke up very early and felt shitty and disappointed. I stayed curled up in bed and directed lots of caring and loving thoughts at myself. I didn’t need to make myself feel worse.

Unfortunately, I’d opened that bottle of red that was in the pantry and only drunk half a glass before falling asleep. It was genuine tiredness rather than passing out drunk – I’d been awake 17 hours by that point. The leftovers poked at my consciousness all through Sunday morning and when my partner went back to bed around lunchtime (he works shifts too) I ended up drinking the rest of it. That would have been bad enough but I then went on to drink his 2 pint-sized cans of lager too. I don’t write that to dramatise or glorify, I want a record that I can look back on and read to remind myself of the total irrationality and excessiveness of my drinking when I let it back in.

I can understand how the Saturday night slip-up happened but the all day drinking on Sunday was showing the obsession kicking in. Damn it!

Today I’m shaking it all off and starting again. I feel flat and dejected but I’m trying to learn everything I can from yet another cycle of booze-induced shittiness. Lots of self pampering planned for today and definitely NO drinking. Ugh!

I was really enjoying having so many sober twins from the new year start, I hope you can all keep striding proudly forwards together. I’m still with you, even though I’m currently the one with skinned knees at the back of the pack. I’ll gather my strength and meet up with you again soon.

Have a lovely sober week folks. Take care πŸ™‚ x

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34 thoughts on “Birthday balls-up :(

  1. soberisland January 23, 2017 / 8:35 am

    Just don’t disappear. And Happy Birthday. I had a fuck it moment too. I wasn’t ready to tell yet but I appreciate your honesty. We’re still sober twins, this shit is hard, even if you get more days than me, because we are in the struggle against it. I’m not excusing my behavior either- do take care.

    Liked by 5 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 23, 2017 / 9:41 am

      Thanks. I’m not going to disappear, not this time. I’m sorry you fell too, this shit IS hard 😦 It briefly crossed my mind to keep it a secret but only very briefly – if I can’t be honest here with people that understand then I’m missing out on the opportunity for acceptance and support. Acceptance and support is also what I can offer to my sober twins too. Let’s keep walking forwards together. Take care of you too x

      Liked by 7 people

  2. I Quit Wineing January 23, 2017 / 8:59 am

    Its all part of the journey. You will get there 😘

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Hurrahforcoffee January 23, 2017 / 10:29 am

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t know if you listened to dr John Kelly on the bubble hour? He said that statistically it takes a couple of years to get sober. Doesn’t have to but sometimes it does. It took me so many years. (I obviously have a massive capacity for self-punishment and suffering) I kept relapsing back into that world for months. You had a day and half and now you are back so that is a massive win! You know you want to be sober and you are not starting over you’ve learned something. Take heart we are all on the same road. xxx

    Liked by 6 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 23, 2017 / 10:40 am

      I haven’t listened to that one I don’t think, I’ll check it out. At the moment I feel like I could relapse for months, I feel so crappy, but I know that feeling would just get worse and worse the more I drank. I think a part of me wants to be sober but there’s evidently also a part of me that still has doubts. Onwards and upwards. Thank you for your support xx

      Liked by 3 people

      • Hurrahforcoffee January 24, 2017 / 9:19 am

        So glad it helped you. It was a massive a-ha moment for me! I thought I was beyond help, turns out I’m pretty normal (statistics wise)

        Liked by 2 people

  4. nomore1117 January 23, 2017 / 11:50 am

    I agree with everyone else here. Stay with the blogging. We’re here to support you no matter what! There is nothing easy about this. And I know what you’re going thru. — hugs

    Liked by 6 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 23, 2017 / 12:22 pm

      I’ll stay blogging, however things are going. It does help me to be accountable. Thanks for supporting me, I hope it’s going well for you. Hugs x

      Like

  5. mooseylou January 23, 2017 / 11:52 am

    Happy Birthday! Mine is today :). I’m on Day 3. Slips happen until we nail it. Until we nail it we learn more about our disease. Hugs to you!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 23, 2017 / 12:21 pm

      Happy birthday to you too πŸ˜€ I’m happy you’re back on track and well done for your day 3. Hugs x

      Liked by 2 people

  6. sobertaichi January 23, 2017 / 5:03 pm

    Happy birthday!
    There were a few good things that you said that stand out to me. First, the morning after, even though you felt shitty and disappointed (which is normal), you still sent caring and loving thoughts to yourself. I think that is a very good and healthy sign! To go right along with that, you said that today, you are shaking it off and starting again. That’s awesome. And then you said that you are trying to learn everything you can from this experience. Again, I think that is a great way to look at it! I (and probably all that comment here) have been there many times and usually did not handle it as well as you are. The flat and dejected feelings are normal. But I think you are also looking at it in a good way that will help you progress to where you want to be. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This really helped me.

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 6:51 am

      Thank you for your lovely comment and support. If what I wrote helps in any way then I feel slightly better about the whole episode. Best wishes, take care!

      Like

  7. moderndaygirlsober January 23, 2017 / 5:07 pm

    as it’s already been said, don’t be hard on yourself to much and just get up, dust yourself off and start again. we’ve all been there, it’s part of the process and journey. you’re a huge step ahead of the game with where you are in your journey already than most people we all probably know, so at least we have that to think about and be proud of. hugs darlin xo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. moderndaygirlsober January 23, 2017 / 5:07 pm

    and happy birthday!!! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  9. shehidbehindtheglass January 23, 2017 / 5:17 pm

    Happy birthday! Slips and bumps along the way on this type of journey is completely normal. It is great that you turned around right away rather than say eff-it and continue drinking for a week or month or… You’re doing great, and I’m glad that you’re still here πŸ™‚

    Liked by 5 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 6:57 am

      Thank you. Yes, I could picture going off on an extended bender but most of me just thinks ugh! I can’t stomach the idea. I guess that’s a good sign πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  10. ainsobriety January 23, 2017 / 7:20 pm

    When we know better, we can do better!
    Just take this experience as information and move forward with your sobriety.

    Big hug and happy birthday!

    Anne

    Liked by 5 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 7:01 am

      That’s a good point Anne, and I definitely learned from this one. Thank you, hugs x

      Like

  11. oiseauxwords January 24, 2017 / 4:11 am

    I’m the same way. If i have one I have like twelve. Its been around two weeks since I’ve had a drink to “save money” and I know eventually I’ll have one again. I’m nervous about when that will be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 7:16 am

      Hi! Saving money is one good reason not to drink and there are many other good reasons to consider – particularly if it’s giving you cause for concern. Thank you for your comment, take care πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 8:09 am

        Fair enough πŸ™‚ Most of us blogging here have also loved it too much and for too long, which is a part of the problem. Best wishes πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Untipsyteacher January 24, 2017 / 4:57 pm

    Dear TOTW,
    I am so glad you wrote this post.
    I sometimes wish I had started my blog the first time I tried to get sober.
    It would be filled with starts and stops.
    I even went to treatment, and then started drinking again.
    I also drank on my birthday that year, and all of my friends said are you sure you want to do this?
    Of course, I could moderate by then.
    It took another 3 years to finally be able to get and stay sober.
    Self compassion is one of the most important healing powers I know.
    To forgive yourself and start again.
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 24, 2017 / 9:06 pm

      Hi Wendy, this really does help to know this. Thank you for sharing this and for your support. Hugs πŸ™‚ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. S_MW October 7, 2017 / 7:50 am

    I’m sorry I went way back to read this particular post, but I’m so glad I did. How frank and insightful it is. I hope you find it that way too. I’m sorry if this sounds a bit gushy, but I think you’re amazing. I remember when I started following you, I was looking for answers, trying to understand how my son must be feeling. I know you were the first person I followed and I loved your name. I’ve not been around for the whole of your journey, but I consider you a friend. When you touch on experiences in your past, I find it hard to imagine that you may not have always been the person you seem today. You’ve been an inspiration to me. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater October 7, 2017 / 8:32 am

      Wow! Thank you for bringing me back to reread this. Over 8 months later it’s easy to forget how dark things got yet it’s so important that I remember. I love your comments and encouraging feedback, it really does make a huge impact on me. I’m so glad you connected and am happy to call you a friend too xx

      Liked by 1 person

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