Unfortunately I’m back on day 1. It was my birthday on Saturday and I went out with some friends to celebrate. I thought I’d planned it well enough to insulate me from any really bad temptation. We met for coffee first and the plan was to go straight from coffee to the restaurant. The problem was, the coffee place shut earlier than the restaurant opened, which I had overlooked. It was -4 outside so there was no way we were hanging around and the only other warm place open was the pub.
It was a pure ‘fuck it’ moment that I’m still a bit bewildered by. I wasn’t even particularly struggling or craving. I guess the right (or wrong) combination of elements came together and triggered a bunch of associations in my brain and I ordered a glass of wine. 2 of us were driving, leaving me and one other to possibly drink. That one was one of my oldest friends and on many occasions my partner in crime for heavy drinking/drug taking sessions. For me to end up standing at a bar with him on a birthday Saturday night was evidently too much for me to handle 3 weeks in.
I didn’t end up with a dreadful hangover but I woke up very early and felt shitty and disappointed. I stayed curled up in bed and directed lots of caring and loving thoughts at myself. I didn’t need to make myself feel worse.
Unfortunately, I’d opened that bottle of red that was in the pantry and only drunk half a glass before falling asleep. It was genuine tiredness rather than passing out drunk – I’d been awake 17 hours by that point. The leftovers poked at my consciousness all through Sunday morning and when my partner went back to bed around lunchtime (he works shifts too) I ended up drinking the rest of it. That would have been bad enough but I then went on to drink his 2 pint-sized cans of lager too. I don’t write that to dramatise or glorify, I want a record that I can look back on and read to remind myself of the total irrationality and excessiveness of my drinking when I let it back in.
I can understand how the Saturday night slip-up happened but the all day drinking on Sunday was showing the obsession kicking in. Damn it!
Today I’m shaking it all off and starting again. I feel flat and dejected but I’m trying to learn everything I can from yet another cycle of booze-induced shittiness. Lots of self pampering planned for today and definitely NO drinking. Ugh!
I was really enjoying having so many sober twins from the new year start, I hope you can all keep striding proudly forwards together. I’m still with you, even though I’m currently the one with skinned knees at the back of the pack. I’ll gather my strength and meet up with you again soon.
Have a lovely sober week folks. Take care 🙂 x