Meh! :-/

After sounding something like Mary Poppins on a pink cloud for my last few posts I’m back down to earth with a bump and a proper cranky, craving day today. The UK is just going into the easter long bank holiday weekend which is traditionally an excuse for unbridled drinking. I made a quick shopping run early today, before it got too busy and spotted hefty amounts of wine and beer being piled into trolleys. I felt left out and socially isolated. It triggered me a bit.

I’m experiencing a crappy combination of low-level boredom, loneliness, uncertainty and flatness in my personal life and some pain/health anxiety. There’s a part of me rebelling against sobriety today and romancing and reliving wilder days gone by. The sort of lost days that involved pubs, pool tables, pints and drunken antics with inappropriate men. That part of me is in the sort of dark and frustrated mood where it would just be safer for everybody if she were handcuffed to the sofa.

I’m not disowning her, she’s a part of me. I’m visualising her with a compassionate attitude. I spontaneously used an NLP technique that I heard on a podcast this week. I visualised the cranky part of me getting smaller and moving away from me, while toning down all the colour. If there’s something you want to welcome into your life you do the opposite and picture it large, close and brightly coloured.

I’m not going to drink today. The worst of it has already passed. If I drank today, the reality would in no way match the fantasy. There would be no exciting, dynamic party happening, there would just be me getting sloppy and fucked up on the sofa alone. There would then be me feeling physically dreadful, hung over, ashamed and defeated. Nah, balls to that idea πŸ˜€

I’ve cooked some nice meals for the weekend, done some laundry, checked in here – the simple self-caring stuff that sobriety rests upon. I know I’m not going to get anything particularly constructive done in this mood so I’m giving myself a free pass for a sofa and Xbox session. I’ve treated myself to some yummy gluten-free cookies and some posh raspberry cordial too.

Happy easter to those who celebrate and here’s hoping you all have a peaceful, sober weekend πŸ™‚

 

 

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26 thoughts on “Meh! :-/

  1. nomore41017 April 14, 2017 / 4:10 pm

    Ugh, the holidays…. I totally know what you mean. But I’m glad you’re able to picture the fact that drinking wouldn’t be awesome and you’re better off without. I can tell you that while I’ve been struggling the past 3 months, I have been so incredibly envious on your ability to keep at it.
    So just know that you’re doing amazing stuff right now and I’m proud of you!! — Enjoy the weekend!

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 14, 2017 / 5:36 pm

      Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. Don’t forget it’s also been the other way round too, me struggling and you with a big sober chunk. You’ll be there again soon. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Untipsyteacher April 14, 2017 / 5:46 pm

    Dear TOTW,
    I sometimes miss that wild woman, too.
    Then I look at some situations she put herself into, and she was very lucky not to get hurt in some way.
    Life is different sober.
    I try to compare it to my old drinking life, and see it as just a different way of living.
    I like it now.
    If I miss that wild woman, I try to fill her with dancing, or even just something different she has never tried before!
    I am sure my friends will be drinking mimosas at our Easter dinner, but I will be the one not hung over, or feeling sleepy all day.
    xoxo
    Wendy

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 14, 2017 / 10:27 pm

      I definitely must have a guardian angel to have survived some of my past drunken stupidity. I need to try some more new things too when this happens. Enjoy your dinner and weekend πŸ™‚ x

      Liked by 2 people

  3. ainsobriety April 14, 2017 / 9:34 pm

    Lovely. Cookies and raspberry sounds perfect.
    Life sometimes is flat.the truth is that most people are not drinking excessively just because it’s Easter. That’s the drinker trying to rationalize it.

    Most people are relaxing and enjoying cookies. It’s so much simpler!

    Happy Easter,
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I Quit Wineing April 14, 2017 / 11:34 pm

    I have also found Easter quite difficult sober. In fact the past few days have been harder for me than Christmas. I think the weather has a lot to do with it, it is beautiful and mild and I see people drinking and it looks appealing. It is a very dangerous thought place to be. Health anxiety sucks. I use meditation to try to overcome my own fears. Sometimes it works. Sometimes my mind wins. I realise that sobriety is a never ending journey. At almost six months I am certainly not free from the temptation of alcohol. It is sneaky, the thoughts penetrate my mind when I am weak. Thankfully I am winning the battle right now but am acutely aware of how cunning and manipulative Alcohol can be. It wants me back, back in its evil grip. I have to keep fighting.

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 15, 2017 / 5:23 pm

      Yes, the nice weather and sitting outside is also a big trigger for me. At least we have enough self knowledge to identify our weak points – it all helps in the bigger battle. Keep winning, you’re doing great at almost 6 months. Thanks for your feedback and support x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kelly - A Better Path April 14, 2017 / 11:41 pm

    Sounds like a lovely way to spend an evening! I bet tomorrow you will feel good and be on the other side. Happy Easter!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hurrahforcoffee April 15, 2017 / 6:33 am

    I like this NLP technique you are describing, I will try it. I can very much relate to the idea of the ‘bad twin’ and having to handcuff her to the couch. Sometimes I get really fearful of how impulsive she is. I also experienced massive triggers yesterday. So much so I can feel relapse warning lights flashing on and off. According to the pdcasts I’ve been listesing to relapse happens in your mind long before it happens for real. I’m stopping this in it’s tracks. I’m so glad you can see through the lies, the reality of it never matches this rosy ‘idea’ the addiction paints for you. xxx

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 15, 2017 / 5:29 pm

      It is frightening isn’t it?! I’m still cranky today but I’m working tonight so there’s not much chance of the bad twin misbehaving I guess. At least you have the experience to see the relapse warning lights – kind of like a built in smoke alarm but for booze. Yes, the lies, so many of them and so many tempting stories but we just need to keep playing the tape forwards and coming to the same old shit of an ending. Stay strong Hurrah, hugs x

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hurrahforcoffee April 15, 2017 / 5:38 pm

        Thanks my love, writing about this today. Love the fact that we arent going through this alone. Good luck with work. x

        Liked by 2 people

  7. MrsMac April 15, 2017 / 4:59 pm

    Happy Easter weekend! I agree with Wendy. When I feel like the wild girls wants to break out I plan something. Something fun or different. I’m booked up to do some High Ropes (GoApe) next month! That should quieten her for a while x

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 15, 2017 / 5:31 pm

      Ooh, I’m not a fan of heights but that does sound like something different to let your wild girl chew on for a while. I need to shake things up in some way too. Thanks for your support MrsMac πŸ™‚ x

      Like

  8. NoWineImFine April 16, 2017 / 3:00 am

    You have a way with words, your posts always resonate. The old ‘dark days’! When public holidays like Easter (I think you may say bank holidays?) were associated with alcohol, big dinners, BBQs and general mayhem. You are right… some of the situations weren’t smart but on the other hand there were some situations that were superb. I guess our challenge now is to relearn how we hit those highs without needing alcohol to get there.
    Thank you for the suggestion about tying something different… will take that gem on board.
    In the meantime, wishing you and your family a relaxing, pleasant Easter xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater April 16, 2017 / 8:13 am

      I’m definitely interested in ways to find a natural high in life πŸ™‚ Thank you for your lovely feedback, it always makes me feel less alone when somebody can relate to what I write. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Elizabeth April 17, 2017 / 4:39 am

    “There’s a part of me rebelling against sobriety today and romancing and reliving wilder days gone by. The sort of lost days that involved pubs, pool tables, pints and drunken antics with inappropriate men.” Even though I miss the “idealized” version of me, you are absolutely correct- the fantasy come through would in no way match the reality! Thank you for a great post. Hope you are feeling better by now. Hugs sister.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. SpookyMemoryWitch June 5, 2017 / 7:44 am

    I hadn’t read this yet. I’m a relatively new follower – as you know – so am just sifting through your posts.

    But this is one of the best yet! It’s so powerful, reading about how it felt for you just being in a supermarket, watching others shopping for booze. Your honesty and your strength is amazing.

    I’m increasingly proud of you, new friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater June 6, 2017 / 8:02 am

      Thank you πŸ™‚ x It’s interesting to look back, I don’t think this would bother me as much at the moment but it did on that occasion and possibly will again in the future.

      Liked by 1 person

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