After sounding something like Mary Poppins on a pink cloud for my last few posts I’m back down to earth with a bump and a proper cranky, craving day today. The UK is just going into the easter long bank holiday weekend which is traditionally an excuse for unbridled drinking. I made a quick shopping run early today, before it got too busy and spotted hefty amounts of wine and beer being piled into trolleys. I felt left out and socially isolated. It triggered me a bit.
I’m experiencing a crappy combination of low-level boredom, loneliness, uncertainty and flatness in my personal life and some pain/health anxiety. There’s a part of me rebelling against sobriety today and romancing and reliving wilder days gone by. The sort of lost days that involved pubs, pool tables, pints and drunken antics with inappropriate men. That part of me is in the sort of dark and frustrated mood where it would just be safer for everybody if she were handcuffed to the sofa.
I’m not disowning her, she’s a part of me. I’m visualising her with a compassionate attitude. I spontaneously used an NLP technique that I heard on a podcast this week. I visualised the cranky part of me getting smaller and moving away from me, while toning down all the colour. If there’s something you want to welcome into your life you do the opposite and picture it large, close and brightly coloured.
I’m not going to drink today. The worst of it has already passed. If I drank today, the reality would in no way match the fantasy. There would be no exciting, dynamic party happening, there would just be me getting sloppy and fucked up on the sofa alone. There would then be me feeling physically dreadful, hung over, ashamed and defeated. Nah, balls to that idea 😀
I’ve cooked some nice meals for the weekend, done some laundry, checked in here – the simple self-caring stuff that sobriety rests upon. I know I’m not going to get anything particularly constructive done in this mood so I’m giving myself a free pass for a sofa and Xbox session. I’ve treated myself to some yummy gluten-free cookies and some posh raspberry cordial too.
Happy easter to those who celebrate and here’s hoping you all have a peaceful, sober weekend 🙂