Thank you

I just wanted to say a huge thank you for everybody’s support on Wednesday when I reached out for help. I was overwhelmed by how much kindness and encouragement I received and I can’t tell you how much it helped me on a day when I really needed it.

I’ve sunk into a bit of a pit of anxiety and depression this week. I’m not a total stranger to either of these but I’m fortunate that they don’t blight my life too often these days. I’ve had some distressing repetitive thoughts rattling round in the last few days. I ended up being awake for over 28 hours on the day of the crash. I got into an unpleasant limbo state where I was too exhausted to function in any way but too unsettled to fall asleep. The crash kept replaying in my mind, over and over.

Although I know I couldn’t have prevented it as I didn’t do anything wrong I have been berating myself for not handling it better at the time. A pointing out of road markings and a couple of simple yes or no questions aimed at the other driver could have completely deconstructed her argument about why she thought I was in the wrong. I’m not great at handling nasty aggression at the best of times but straight after a shocking experience I was hopeless. I’m now getting to the point where I realise this thinking is futile – I was in shock. I need to let it go and move on. There’s no point in me visualising the possible arguments or drinking the poison of anger and frustration and hoping it will hurt the other.

I hit 90 days yesterday. A fitting day to go to my first SMART meeting. I thought about using my low mood as an excuse not to go but I pressed ahead and got myself ready. I arrived at the advertised location, at the advertised time. I first found a back door which was locked so I scouted round for another entrance. Upon finding the main front doors I took a deep breath, tried to get in and found those also shut and locked tight. There was a phone number advertised with the listing on the SMART website so I guess I should have phoned ahead. I’d used up what little ‘dealing with stuff’ energy I had so I just walked away and went home, feeling defeated 😦 Fail!

When we injure ourselves or get an infection our body makes it clear that it’s time to stop and rest. When we go through a traumatic experience I’m starting to think our mind does something similar. I’m like a zombie, in a daze, unable to think or focus. I’m watching lots of netflix and playing mindless games on my phone when I’m not vacantly staring into space. I’m giving myself some psychological down time. I do feel as if I’m slowly coming around. Each day does feel slightly better than the previous one. I’ll be ok. It’ll just take time.

On a more positive note, I just remembered I bought some coconut milk based ice cream alternative that I completely forgot about in this week’s chaos. I’m going to try some now and nerd out on some old scifi πŸ˜€

Have a good weekend everybody and thanks again for having my back when I really needed it – I appreciate it so much. Hugs x

 

 

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24 thoughts on “Thank you

  1. gagalgoingdry April 29, 2017 / 7:37 pm

    I’ve been attending Smart meetings online. Maybe they could help until you find a physical meeting. Congrats on remaining sober through this past week!!

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 6:50 pm

      Thank you so much! I’ve sort of looked at that on the Smart website, it’s probably something I should check out. Do you do it just typing or do you wear a headset and talk to people – I can’t quite imagine how it works!?

      Like

  2. nomore41017 April 29, 2017 / 8:30 pm

    Over 3 months is a huge accomplishment and I know it’s not the best timing with the car accident. But just know that you are an inspiration. You’ve come so far and you’re doing very well. Treat yourself to that ice cream and maybe something else you’ve been wanting. You deserve it!

    That’s awful that the SMART meeting was not actually taking place. I think they should have at least posted a notice on the door alerting people. I know how hard it can be to get the courage to go to something like that and I am proud of you for doing it even though it didn’t turn out.

    Take care and lots of love to you — all the way from across the pond =)

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 6:53 pm

      Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say. I haven’t felt very inspired or inspiring the last few days but I’m just happy to still be sober through it all. Love and hugs to you too πŸ™‚ x

      Like

  3. Allane Sinclair April 29, 2017 / 9:19 pm

    I’m sorry that you’ve had such a rough time. I think you’re pretty amazing. I attend a Family Support Group for drugs and alcohol. Our ‘kids’ don’t attend, which is fine, but I wonder if their input could be beneficial sometimes. I hope I don’t sound patronising, but I find your honesty and ability to describe your feelings really inspiring. Already you’ve helped me to understand what my kid must be going through. Thank you!

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:00 pm

      Thank you for your kind thoughts and support Allane. I’m very glad if my ramblings are of any help to you. I do try to be completely honest in my writing here which is one reason I’ve chosen to write anonymously. It’s a difficult subject and experience for all parties involved and none of us can read each others minds. If I could shed even the tiniest amount of light into this dark space then I would feel like I’d done something worthwhile. I hope you’re both having a good week πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Allane Sinclair May 1, 2017 / 7:29 pm

        I’m also a very candid person, write things down just as I think them…which is why I wish I’d chosen anonymity. Too late now though. I hope you feel more positive and strong every day.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:39 pm

        I can maybe imagine a time when I may possibly ‘out’ myself but that time is not now. I’ll have to see what the future brings. I am feeling better each day at the moment. Thank you πŸ™‚

        Like

  4. talesfrommyliver April 30, 2017 / 12:45 am

    Congratulations on 90 days! That’s such a big deal! πŸ™‚ I totally agree that mental time outs are completely necessary now and then. You’ve gotta take care of you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:03 pm

      Thank you! I feel like I’m starting to surface back into the world again but I really did need that time to just curl up in a ball and keep the world out for a few days πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:04 pm

      The ice cream was really delicious! I’ll call about the meeting that is supposed to be happening this Friday and find out what’s going on. Thanks Anne πŸ™‚ x

      Like

  5. NoWineImFine April 30, 2017 / 8:33 am

    Whoop whoop 90 days! πŸ•ΊπŸΌπŸ’ƒπŸ½πŸ•ΊπŸΌπŸ’ƒπŸ½
    You’ve stayed strong, stayed focussed and stayed true to your truth. Way to go. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hurrahforcoffee April 30, 2017 / 8:49 am

    Massive congratulations on your 90 days. 90 days is a massive milestone! That’s a bummer about the meeting, I know what courage it takes to actually just get yourself there. Online smart recovery meetings may be an idea, I think I may join you in that. I keep thinking I need a meeting but can never quite get myself to try aa again. I like the smart recovery vibe. As for your inertia this week, this is totally due to the shock of the accident. I also don’t handle confrontation well especially if I’m in shock, I will think of comebacks 2 weeks after the fact. Hope you enjoyed your ice cream, never tried coconut milk ice cream before…

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:19 pm

      Thanks Hurrah! πŸ™‚ It’s only the 2nd time I’ve reached 90 so it does feel pretty huge.

      I admit I was a bit dropped on when I ended up standing at that locked door, I’d imagined all kinds of outcomes but not that one. A bit of an anti-climax! I’m not desperate to get to a meeting but I recognise that more support in person would be useful. I agree that maybe the online option would be good for getting the information.

      Ah, those hindsight comebacks, they are always so damn witty or incisive. If only they happened at the time 😦

      The ice cream was lovely and minus the GI effects that dairy seems to be having on me these days, yayy!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Untipsyteacher May 1, 2017 / 2:40 am

    More hugs!
    I am glad you have some time to recover and rest.
    90 Days is wonderful!
    I know people who love SMART.
    Do you know Kary May’s website? God Walked Into a Bar
    She is a SMART leader!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:26 pm

      Thanks for the recommendation. I hadn’t seen it, I’ve started following her site now. I’m starting to feel better after a few days of down time and I still have a few days off too. Thank you for your support Wendy. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Untipsyteacher May 1, 2017 / 10:36 pm

        Oh, I got messed up.
        She’s a Moderation Managment leader, but she’s for abstinence!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Merry B. Sober May 1, 2017 / 4:27 pm

    In need of connection…this post have given me more than you will ever know! (and congrats on 90 days… )

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 1, 2017 / 7:32 pm

      Hi Merry. I’m very happy if this has helped you in any way, it inspires me to keep on sharing. I do love the support and connection that this blogging community brings. Thank you for being a part of it πŸ™‚ x

      Like

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