Creeping up on 100

I’m in the final hour of day 95 so I’m coming close to 100 alcohol-free days for only the second time in my adult life. I feel different this time around. Last time I was holding on by my fingertips, doubting, bargaining, second guessing and slipping slowly toward my eventual relapse. This time I feel more sure and accepting of my choice and have a sense of determination to keep going. There are no guarantees of course but it does feel like I’m in a better place than before.

I was starting to feel psychologically stronger a week on from the crash but today ended up being another hassle filled shit storm. What I thought would be a routine visit from an insurance inspector turned into an unexpected and dreaded financial punch in the face – he wrote off my car as a total loss. This has multiplied my original loss expectations by 10 so it’s gone from an annoying amount to a fairly hefty financial hit. Fuck 😦 I’m now simultaneously arranging for my crashed car to be taken away, sorting a hire car and trying to buy a replacement car. Way too much car hassle for my liking.

This past week, for fairly obvious reasons, I’ve been reflecting a lot about how little control we have over some things in life. No matter how carefully we drive, somebody else might carelessly crash into us. No matter how hard we work for our money, how thriftily we make purchases or respectfully care for our belongings, somebody else might trash or steal them. It’s not just the material ‘stuff’ either. No matter how courageously we build our self esteem it could be trampled by a thoughtless word or deed. No matter how much effort we put into our creations they could be dismissed as rubbish. No matter how much we love somebody they could be taken away. No matter how much we hope to live, our body might fail…

You get the picture… I need to zen the fuck out, this way anxiety (and other bad head-stuff) lies… It’s all adding up to that horrible angsty, cranky, want to crawl out of my skin and switch off my brain feeling that is exactly the sort of feeling I used to try to douse with drink. I’m not going there though, I know it won’t help. Deep breaths and serenity prayer sort of thoughts are the way forward tonight.

Sorry to keep sharing doom and gloom, hopefully the sun will shine again soon but this is where I’m at for now. I could be better but I know I could also be far worse. It’ll pass.

Some other interesting sobriety-related stuff also happened this week but I’m too tired to keep writing now. More later…

Take care, sending sober vibes and hugs x

 

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30 thoughts on “Creeping up on 100

  1. SpookyMemoryWitch May 3, 2017 / 10:59 pm

    This is not doom and gloom. It’s real and insightful and frankly, inspiring. You write so well, so eloquently about your journey that I feel like I’m on it with you. I don’t think you realise how important what you’re sharing, is.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. ainsobriety May 3, 2017 / 11:12 pm

    Big hug. I completely understand.
    In the baghavad Gita….one of the main yogic texts, the lesson is that we don’t own the fruits of our labour. That we should do the right thing with zero expectations of a right outcome.

    It is a lesson I learn over and over.

    I am sorry the accident has become such a problem. I hope you find the perfect new car.
    Congrats on 95. Just keep taking it one day at a time. It really is the only way.
    Anne

    Liked by 7 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 4, 2017 / 3:38 pm

      Thanks Anne. That’s a book I’ve been meaning to read for many years. It sounds like it contains some valuable lessons. I found a car, now I just need to get a fair payout from my insurance. Fingers crossed! 🙂

      Like

  3. talesfrommyliver May 4, 2017 / 12:14 am

    When it rains, it fucking pours. Hold on and stay strong. The silver lining is that you’ll be sniffing that new car smell sooooooon. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 4, 2017 / 3:45 pm

      Yup, hopefully things will all calm down soon I’m sick of the hassle. I found a good fairly new car so it’ll be a new to me car smell. I hate brand new car smell, to me it smells like a load of plastic and glue off-gassing but I’m a bit of a weirdo when it comes to that kind of thing 😀 Thanks for your kind words x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. nomore41017 May 4, 2017 / 12:47 am

    Take care! I know this is shitty news and tough stuff to deal with. We’re all here for you. =)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. soberinvegas May 4, 2017 / 3:54 am

    ❤️❤️❤️ these are things worth thinking about but glad you are also making yourself push through…hang in there ❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  6. moderndaygirlsober May 4, 2017 / 4:26 am

    Don’t be sorry AT ALL for sharing your life with us, and no doom and gloom. I am very happy I can read what is happening with you and the rest of everyone who shares their life with me so generously. What is happening with your car is a true pain in the fucking ass for sure, and life sure does know how to throw us lemons 🍋🍋🍋 when least needed. Been there done that, but you will get through it and you’ll be happy again. Please keep sharing and again, it’s your life which is important. Stay positive and know that there’s nothing you can do to change the shitty lemons life throws us sometimes and only you can make it a horrible one or a mehhhh, I’m better than to let this happenings now ruin my day! God I sound preachy ya?? Anyways, chin up, big hugs and smiles your way xoxo ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 4, 2017 / 3:56 pm

      That doesn’t sound at all preachy, you’re right, our reactions to stuff is the only thing we can possibly control though it’s sometimes easy to forget when we’re sucked into automatic ingrained reactions. I’m getting through it all a phone call, piece of paper work, and a day at a time. Thank you 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sober Tony May 4, 2017 / 1:03 pm

    Keep it honestly. This kind of stuff keeps encouraging me. Recovery is possible, even when life sucks. Can’t wait to read about the 100

    Liked by 4 people

  8. Mark David Goodson May 4, 2017 / 2:05 pm

    I have most recently hit a new ‘anxiety bottom’. I’m actually trying to find my out as we speak. Jumping in social media and wordpress and going crazy on it doesn’t help. But it gives you that same temporary relief that we know a drink used to give.

    Congrats on your day count! You’re not alone in your struggles! I’m here with you, trying to figure this whole thing out.

    Liked by 6 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 4, 2017 / 6:00 pm

      Hi Mark. Thank you, it’s reassuring to remember that I’m not alone. I’m sorry you’re having anxiety struggles I know how horrible it is. I know what is unsettling me and I’m hoping it’ll settle down once my chaos is all sorted. I hope you can get to the bottom of yours too and find some peace and relaxation as soon as possible. Best wishes.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Grace May 4, 2017 / 7:50 pm

    Time for a treat maybe? Perhaps a lovely soothing massage? Someone caring for you? Well done on your 95 days. I’m on 61!!!!! How did that happen? Your and everyone else’s blogs and comments that’s how. Thank you all from the bottom of heart. Good luck over the next few days 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 5, 2017 / 8:36 am

      Thank you Grace. I’m off for a walk in the woods this morning which is always a treat. I missed this last week when I was without a car. 61 days is awesome too, I’m happy for you. I also use this online space as my main resource and there has been much support, compassion and generosity of spirit for which I’m very grateful. I’m happy if this all has helped you too 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Elizabeth May 5, 2017 / 1:24 am

    The crap sure seems to be hitting the fan for a lot of folks- myself included. In spite of yours, you sound strong and solid- thanks for passing it along! Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 5, 2017 / 8:42 am

      I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time at the moment Elizabeth 😦 Keep going and sharing, we’re here for you. I wouldn’t claim to be strong and solid at the moment but I am feeling good that I didn’t completely fall apart. Take care, hugs x

      Liked by 2 people

      • Elizabeth May 5, 2017 / 8:46 pm

        The very fact that you held up against a drink during this terribly trying time is a testament to your strength. At least in my eyes!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Untipsyteacher May 5, 2017 / 3:18 am

    I am really sorry about the car.
    That would great me out too.
    Life always seems to be throwing things our way, just to mess with our heads I think!
    Just to see how we figure it out.
    Being sober males this a lot easier.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 5, 2017 / 8:47 am

      I’m moving into an acceptance phase now and am even slightly happy when I think about the new(er) car I put a deposit on. Perspective is slowly shifting for the better as it inevitably would but sometimes the waiting period is hard. It would be nice to have a smooth and simple May now, fingers crossed 😀 Thanks for your support Wendy xx

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Hurrahforcoffee May 5, 2017 / 11:05 am

    Oh my dear Lord that is a giant pain in the bum! All that admin of getting a new car whilst dealing with the old car! This is enough to make Eckhart Tolle lose his shit:) Glad to hear you are forest bathing again to soothe yourself. We need to be honest on the blogs. Real life is messy and I feel as though I’m constantly blogging about stress but hey, this is to help me and other people see that we are more than equipped to deal with this shit sober. Its not always nice but omg its so much better than the alternative.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 5, 2017 / 2:50 pm

      I’m getting through it all, the old car went and I have a hire car. Deposit paid on my next car so just waiting for insurance payout now. It’ll be over soon. I have done a fair bit of pink cloud sort of blogging which I sometimes worry might seem smug or in ‘I spoke too soon’ territory so I guess having a stretch of ‘shit happens’ sort of blogging keeps it balanced. It is good to read honest and real stuff from others, I really appreciate that too. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

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