Day 103

I’m on 103 days now which is one week away from my longest ever adult sober period. Although the last couple of weeks post-crash haven’t been easy they been a valuable learning experience. Time has applied its miraculous balm, giving me the peace and perspective to reflect clearly on recent events.

I’m beginning to see deeper nuances within my definition of sobriety. I’m visualising them as a series of threads, each one representing one of the myths I have used as an excuse to drink. Some of these threads are becoming increasingly frayed or have already been broken in my mind. Some of them still need attacking with a sharp mental knife.

For example, the fact that I had no desire to drink after my crash is a promising sign that I’m seeing through the myth of alcohol as a way of coping with a traumatic experience. Unfortunately the thread that pulls me toward a drink when I sit out in the sun is definitely still stronger. I’m sure if you’re reading this you can think of a list of your own threads. Maybe the one that craves wine to round out a good meal? How about the one that says you need a drink to relax at the end of a long day at work? I’m hoping that as the various threads break, the bigger tapestry of alcohol craving will begin to unravel. We’ll see…

I recently had a strange alcohol-related experience during a meal with some friends. Out of the four of us at our table only one person ordered alcohol. Two were driving, one was me so that just left my friend who had a beer with his curry. There was a special offer in the restaurant that night and plenty of people were there to eat and get drunk on the cheap. Booze was definitely flowing at many of the other tables. At the end of our meal a waiter suddenly appeared with unsolicited alcohol. His tray held two shots of Baileys (for the ladies) and two shots of brandy (for the guys). I just shook my head and held my hands up to signal a firm but polite ‘NO!’ but he did put the other three drinks on the table. Only one and a bit of the drinks ended up getting drunk.

How inappropriate was that?! WTF! I’m just glad it wasn’t a glass of red coming at me. We went for a stroll after dinner and I brought it up for discussion. Everybody agreed that it was a major error in judgement from what is otherwise a lovely place to eat.

I managed to get back out into the woods today. I didn’t make it last week and I really missed it. It’s definitely become a much-needed part of my sober toolbox. The trees are out in blossom at the moment and the sweet, woody smell is divine. I did a fairly long walk and came home feeling good.

My car admin is still in progress. I have received a surprisingly fair insurance valuation so I’m just waiting for the payment to process so I can get my new(er) car next week. I can’t wait. I’m currently in a hire car which I’m not keen on. I don’t like having responsibility for an expensive car that isn’t mine. I have that niggling feeling that if somebody even farts near it there’ll be some sort of surcharge involved. It’s also bugging my sciatica which isn’t good.

I hope you lovely folks are having a good sober week. Hugs and sober vibes to anybody who’s struggling at the moment x

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28 thoughts on “Day 103

  1. habitdone May 11, 2017 / 9:10 pm

    I like the thread analogy. I’m going to ponder that and think of my threads. My strongest is definitely the desire to sit down, put my feet up and drink to get my head away from reality. When that isn’t in place (I’m busy, out of town, etc) I don’t have bad cravings. The problem is that it exists almost daily.

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 2:33 am

      I can relate. I have a recurring loop where I feel like I need to clear my schedule and zone/chill/drink but spending too much time doing this means I don’t get stuff done to clear my schedule and so feel bad when chilling and it goes round in a slightly tense circle. I know that a productive day well spent is so satisfying but there’s still the pull towards the mindless escape. We need to practise moderation with our idle time I guess 😀

      Like

  2. Untipsyteacher May 12, 2017 / 2:07 am

    Happy Day 103!!
    That is very strange about the drinks…
    I need to get outside tomorrow, myself.
    My threads are slowly unraveling, although I know I have to be careful, as they pop up once in awhile. Just now for long or very often anymore.
    I hope you have a wonderful sober week, too!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 4 people

  3. SpookyMemoryWitch May 12, 2017 / 10:22 am

    Gawd, I love the way you write!

    But wtf is it with eateries bringing fucking drinks to tables where not everyone has been drinking?? Seriously! I can only imagine how that feels. As I’ve already said, my relationship with alcohol hasn’t been the issue in my life, but sugar has. I gave it up years ago. I occasionally have a cake or ice cream now, but haven’t eaten chocolate in 3+ years. Still get offered it. Still get the shocked responses when I say I don’t eat it (if I choose to share that). I find informing them that I reversed my diabetes usually shuts the fuckers up.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 2:52 am

      That’s great you managed to reverse diabetes through diet changes, I’m so interested in those kind of approaches to health challenges. I’ve usually got multiple health nerd books on the go. There was a pile of chocolates delivered with the alcohol too so I ended up troughing some of those. Coffee and sugar are also all or nothing things for me too :-/ Thank you for your lovely feedback on my writing, I really appreciate it. Between university and sober blogging there were over 2 decades when I hardly wrote. It’s now becoming something I’m considering really getting into. Thanks! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • SpookyMemoryWitch May 13, 2017 / 6:50 am

        I rarely comment on writing. I do like more conversational styles and I’ve discovered a few people who write that way. Your’s in particular rings a bell with me and I love that. I felt compelled to tell you. I am not surprised to hear that you wrote before. I really hope that you’ll keep writing, write more. My battle with sugar and all her friends is a long one, but I’ve written a brief(ish) blog on here, A SMALLER PORTION, PLEASE. That should explain…

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 1:36 pm

        It does sound like you’ve had quite a journey with weight and health. I’ve also been up and down the scale for most of my life too. I have eaten a 5 pack of jam doughnuts over 2 days though so I don’t want to repeat that too often or I’ll be going back up 😦 All my previous writing was either academic or business based, I’ve never written about personal, life stuff until this blog. I do love it and will keep writing. Thanks 🙂

        Like

      • SpookyMemoryWitch May 13, 2017 / 3:54 pm

        I’ve just demolished 6 Rich Tea biscuits so my journey never ends haha. I’m so glad that you’re writing the way you are now. I know that writing and photography saved me a little. They gave me a purpose in life and/or a way to explain and show my feelings.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater May 14, 2017 / 9:07 am

        Yes, I’m not very verbal about these sort of things either. It’s great to find a way to get stuff out 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Mark David Goodson May 12, 2017 / 3:51 pm

    I’m sorry you had to go through that. The dinner experience. I’ve had similar. I find, in general, that when people obsess about my drinking, I’m better knowing that it’s THEIR problem, not mine to deal with. It’s none of my business what other people think of me.

    Liked by 4 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 3:00 am

      I’m fortunate that the few close friends I’ve told have been totally supportive of my decision not to drink. That meal made me deal with some thoughtless assumptions from strangers but I’ve yet to have one of those drinking debates with somebody other than the drinking voice in my head. I love the concept of other people’s thoughts about me not being my business but it’s often hard to maintain that stance. Thanks for your support 🙂

      Like

  5. talesfrommyliver May 12, 2017 / 9:07 pm

    I appreciate your analogy of the threads to our beliefs about alcohol. I’m still hacking away at a few of mine.
    I think your experience at the restaurant says a lot about the world’s view of alcohol – it’s so accepted and expected that everyone drinks this addictive substance. If only the rest of the world truly understood.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 3:06 am

      Happy hacking to you 😀 Yep there was a whole heap of expectations and assumptions about social conformity at the end of the meal. Luckily I wasn’t distressed by it, just a bit taken aback by it. I think you only really understand if you’re one of us that has ended up needing to understand 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. NoWineImFine May 12, 2017 / 9:33 pm

    Firstly, well done on cracking the triple figures of sober days! That’s a wonderful achievement. Secondly, I’m sorry that you had to experience that sort of thing over dinner. So not okay!
    Wishing you a wonderful weekend, I hope you get to spend a bit more time in the woods. Like you, I love getting outdoors. It’s so therapeutic. Happy Friday my friend xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 3:11 am

      Thank you so much 🙂 The dinner thing was strange but luckily it didn’t pose a serious threat at this stage. I’m working all weekend but that’s fine, I get to go out in the woods when it’s quiet in the week when everybody else is at work. Happy weekend to you too xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 13, 2017 / 3:17 am

      Yes, I think it’s safe to say they didn’t really think it through! I’m glad you like the threads thing, thanks 🙂 I used to knit so now I keep seeing a raggedy jumper with big holes and loose threads hanging. Happy weekend to you too x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hurrahforcoffee May 13, 2017 / 6:10 am

    Love the thread analogy. Mine is stress and sometimes going out with hubs, we used to drink together all the time. I have so many associations to break. I think the dude at the curry place probably doesn’t even drink himself but he’s seen that people like to go and get really drunk when they have curry. He probably thought you would all love it because UK culture is absolutely soaked in alcohol. Hope you get the car sorted soon. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 14, 2017 / 8:54 am

      Going out with hubs is a tricky one, I guess that really does take time to find a new normal. You’re probably right about the waiter but you’d think they’d take the hint after one solitary beer on a table of 4 lol! Getting the car Thursday 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Paul S May 13, 2017 / 1:44 pm

    congrats on your 100+ days!
    Man – back in the day I would have had that entire tray of shots and ordered another two rounds!
    But it’s odd when stuff happens now. I find it doesn’t bother me now. Early in my sobriety it would have unnerved me for sure. But I have to remember that just because I am sober doesn’t mean the world stops to cater to me (I say that about me, not you, by the was, so it doesn’t come across in the wrong way!). I remember realizing just how man DAMN ads for booze there was everywhere – in magazine and billboards, etc. Blew my mind!

    Anyways, it sounds like you’re on the right path. Keep that time in nature. I find that it does wonders for me.

    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 14, 2017 / 9:00 am

      It doesn’t come across the wrong way at all. Even in my bad old days I wouldn’t have been able to stomach cheap brandy euurghh 😦 baileys would have gone straight down the hatch though. Booze is absolutely everywhere you’re right, films, tv, novels, ads etc, etc… Meh! I’ll stick to the woods, it’s my favourite place at the moment. Best wishes and thanks 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. onthemend12 May 18, 2017 / 2:09 pm

    Congrats on 103! That is seriously awesome. I used to get really unnerved by the sight and smell of alcohol. I certainly didn’t want it laid in front of me or offered to me, so I avoided places where that could happen like the plague for as long as I needed to. After some serious work on my sobriety, the desire to drink was gone and the feelings I had about alcohol changed. I have to remind myself, still, with the sight or wafting smell of a glass of red, that the one glass is NOT one glass for me. That glass ends with my life in destruction. I try and play the tape to the end, I guess and if I’m really, really honest with myself, the last thing I want in my life again is alcohol.

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I am so happy to hear you’re finding peace in the outdoors, and navigating life on life’s terms 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater May 19, 2017 / 1:09 am

      Thank you so much. I don’t feel quite as strong and resolute as you sound but I’m definitely better than previous attempts. It’s also never one glass for me either. Navigating the last few weeks in the raw has been hard but worth it. I really appreciate your support and kind words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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