6 months and a week

I was going to post last week to mark 6 months but things ended up getting hectic for various reasons and I didn’t get round to it. Better late than never though.

I was wondering if things would shift and feel different at this landmark and they have, but unfortunately I can’t say it’s all in a good way. At this point my mind is not as focused on not drinking to the exclusion of other thoughts. In a way this is good; I’m feeling more secure in my sobriety and less of my mental energy is required to sustain it. The bad side is that this energy is now freed up to focus on other stuff and the other stuff is often the stuff I was drinking to avoid thinking about in the first place. Damn!

I’m at a stage in my life where I’m beginning to feel comfortable in my skin and in the way I am. I spend many happy hours chilling out at home with my creative work, reading, sofa cuddling with my cat and/or fella and various other simple, sober pursuits. My inner and home landscapes are becoming generally calm. Where it goes wrong is when I leave my solitude and sanctuary and step out the front door.

I’ve always felt like I somehow landed on the wrong planet. Other than the occasional blessed weirdos that I’ve been honoured to find as friends I find little to relate to in what most people (and society in general) seem to consider normal, admirable or fun. And is it me or do so many people seem angry and cranky when they’re out and about? Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things and tending to see the negative stuff. I know that a bias toward paying attention to threatening or aggressive events is a deeply ingrained survival instinct but it really got to me yesterday.

I got up in the early hours and spent a few hours reading on the sofa with the cat. Then I headed out to the country park for a walk and some berry foraging. This was all pleasant and good. On the way home I went to do some grocery shopping and things went downhill.

On my way into the shop car park I would usually go straight ahead but I noticed that area looked particularly busy and there were some spaces to the left so as a last split-second decision I turned left instead. It was so quick a decision I didn’t have chance to indicate which I admit was my bad. People not indicating is a real peeve for me and I’ve quietly cursed people often enough for not doing it. The one extremely rare time I don’t do it there is of course somebody there that felt the need to bellow abuse at me through our open windows. I guess that’s some sort of annoying karma in action.

I tried to shake that off, did my shopping and headed home. On the way I had a near miss on a roundabout which would have been an action replay of my recent crash. Somebody cut me up trying to overtake from the wrong lane. Luckily (?) it was a real lad-racer type who accelerated so fast he got past in time but I was so fucking pissed off and shaken up. I couldn’t wait to just get home, close the front door of my sanctuary and shut out the world for the rest of the day.

A hand-delivered information sheet from the local police was waiting for me at home. There have been a spate of local burglaries and I was informed that my home is considered at heightened risk of being broken into. FFS! Talk about bad timing 😦 The whole sequence of events just left me feeling a bit raw, overly sensitive, exposed and psychologically slapped around. Without the option to do the crap ‘too drunk to care’ thing I’m feeling some low-level but nagging anxiety creeping in at the moment. I’m breathing and watching, and eating too many doughnuts… it’ll pass.

It wasn’t all bad. I had a pleasant chat about blackberry locations with a man waiting for his sweet granddaughter who felt the need to pick up every stray branch she passed. There were friendly smiles and hellos from other walkers (and their dogs). There was sunshine and refreshing breezes. There were abundant blackberries and elderberries to pick. There was the meditative task of stripping elderberries from the branches while sitting in the garden. I know there is a lot of good in the world too, it’s just sometimes hard to notice the quieter whisper amid the noise, stress and chaos.

So, my 6 months post turned out not to be overly celebratory but I guess it’s just where I’m at for the moment. Wishing everybody a lovely sober and un-stressful weekend whatever you get up to x

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26 thoughts on “6 months and a week

  1. saoirsek August 5, 2017 / 7:31 am

    Well done on your sober time… It sounds like your ” recovery” is really starting 😊 When we get sober we get our feelings and clarity back, that’s the good…and bad news! Up to now we drank on all the shit you described above,now its not an option. Keep yourself around good sober friends who ” get” you. I find alot of newcomers find it useful to offload at meetings,helps to hear that other people or did go through the same. Keep going! S x

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 12:06 am

      It’s definitely comforting to know that people understand and get it. Thank you for your lovely encouraging comment 🙂 x

      Like

  2. feelingfreesoberme August 5, 2017 / 10:21 am

    Well.. that sounds like a hell of a day!! Negatives …shitty abusive drivers (who have crap lives and take it out on everyone else! so hoorah we are not like them) small carparks – I have changed shopping locations just for this reason.

    Positives – you are sober and 6 months is amazing , have the opportunity to go for a lovely walk, berry pick, you have a cat, and of course need I say more Donuts!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Elizabeth August 5, 2017 / 10:51 am

    I could’ve written this in regard to how you describe yourself and others! I have always said I feel like an alien on Earth. Thank the good Lord I found a few other “aliens ” along the way! And I found you! I think people in general are angry. Our world is crazier than ever with no apparent sanity in sight and I believe underlying all the anger is fear. You keep doing just what you’re doing. You are awesome. Congrats on #6! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 12:12 am

      Thank you Elizabeth. I think you’re right that fear lurks behind so much of the negative stuff. We can start our own alien club somewhere peaceful ;D x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. feelingmywaybackintolife August 5, 2017 / 11:01 am

    Yeah, this accumilation of stress things; I’ve had/have them too. It always feels like the Universe is testing my resolve to be sober. Realising that it will pass is a good thing indeed – I always forget that.
    Congrats on your 6 months and a week! Cool. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Paul S August 5, 2017 / 12:48 pm

    Congrats on your sober time! And yeah, just because we’re sober doesn’t mean the world doesn’t stop revolving for us! We get the shitty stuff still going on and those damn negative feelings and all that stuff that we tried to drown out. The good news is that we get to learn how to deal with them without the bottle. It’s not easy, but it does get easier. It took me time to learn to navigate some situations and the emotions underneath them. I am still learning. I can still be quick to anger at times, and I can feel indignant, and stubborn and…ok you get the idea. I can still takes things personally. In the end, being sober is the best thing to happen to me, because I can see that I handle things much better than if I ran into a bottle.

    Sorry for the crazy day there, but the other quiet, enjoyable days make up for it in spades!

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 3:08 am

      Thanks Paul 🙂 I’d rather do the hard work of learning to handle life mindfully than hide away drinking even though sometimes I don’t feel like it. Life is calmer again today 🙂

      Like

  6. S_MW August 5, 2017 / 7:13 pm

    What a beautiful post. I feel like you opened up and described more about yourself than I’ve read previously. I enjoyed that, apart from the parts where you sounded like you’d been anxious and upset. I give off an impression that I’m a confident and gregarious member of society, but I’ve often doubted myself and wondered if I’d been meant for another time or from another planet. I smiled when I read that from you but also felt so much for you. X I’m still proud of your resolve and your strength. Genuinely! It’s just getting through every day with all the shit things that get thrown at everybody that’s the hardest thing…and you’re doing so brilliantly x

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 3:14 am

      Thank you so much 🙂 I think I’m finally getting enough clarity to be able to see the deeper issues I have. Gotta see stuff before I can write about it I guess. I also have had the ‘wrong time’ thought! I love hearing about similarities and knowing I’m not alone x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Jess August 5, 2017 / 9:32 pm

    Happy 6 months and a week! Today I am celebrating my birthday sober and 20 days. I wish I was at your 6 months…

    Anyway, I really — and I don’t normally subscribe to this type of thinking — but I really think there is some sort of major shift in our cosmic universe this year causing all of the agitation, frustration and overall irritability. It seems non-stop to be dealing with aggressive, angry people. I was starting to think it was just me, but everywhere I look online, I am seeing it.

    With that said, as we have discussed before, I also do not tend to relate or get along with people in most day to day situations. I don’t “do small talk” well. I don’t relate and find it hard to chat about daily gossip or “normal” things, so I find I feel best when I’m happily solo as well.

    When going out into the world, I often feel agitated because the other people are pushing their agitation at me. For example, I drove an hour north of my location today to go for a hike in a glacier park (I’m not sure the best words here, all of the rocks and creek were formed by glaciers back in the day, it’s really quite spectacular), but on my way there I was nothing but frustrated because all of the angry drivers speeding and honking and being aggressive. I was going slightly over the speed limit, these people wanted to go like 20-30 mph over the speed limit and it was ridiculous. What is the hurry on a Saturday morning?

    But maybe that’s just the way things are these days. Everyone is in such a hurry. No one has patience and no one seems friendly.

    But then, like you said, there is also a ton of good in the world. We just have to be more open and receptive to it.

    I wish you well and I hope your weekend turns out better. Take care and don’t let the frustration get you. =)

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 3:27 am

      Thanks Jess! I hope you had a lovely sober birthday. 3 weeks is great!! Maybe there is something in the stars at the moment, it seems a few of us are seeing similar things.

      I do wish life could slow down a bit, there’s so much to be said for taking things easy. We have higher speed limits over here but people still want to go crazy amounts faster and really overestimate their ability to react to the unexpected at those speeds.

      I’m calm again and focusing on the good stuff this weekend 🙂 x

      Like

  8. talesfrommyliver August 6, 2017 / 3:00 am

    I’m almost to 8 months but I would have to say (from my experience only of course) that from 6ish months to now I’ve felt very similarly to what you’ve described. I’m at a loss as to what to make of it all though. Good to know I’m not alone at least!

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 7, 2017 / 3:32 am

      I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this too. It’s as if everything is turned up to max intensity. If it’s taken a long time to reach this mixed blessing sort of wawreness it’ll take a while for us to work out how to handle stuff with yhe numbness. You’re definitely not alone 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Untipsyteacher August 6, 2017 / 10:41 pm

    HAPPY 6 MONTHS AND MORE!
    I am so glad I don’t make my own drama now, that I am sober, as life brings enough on it’s own!!
    xoxo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Retiring Carol August 8, 2017 / 12:14 pm

    I’m glad I’ve stumbled upon your blog! I am new to it and also to the world of sobriety. I like your realness and the way you give the negatives of your life, but then also acknowledge the good things that are also occurring. Isn’t that the beauty of it all?? Congrats on 6 months! You give me motivation and inspiration. I look forward to hearing more from you!

    Carey 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 9, 2017 / 10:44 pm

      Hi Carey and thank you for your lovely feedback. I’m following you too now. It’s lovely to ‘meet’ you and I look forward to reading more about your sober journey too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater August 25, 2017 / 3:13 pm

      Thank you! I think I missed a few comments back here, just realised that and wanted to say thanks anyway 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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