Day 230

I’m doing some long overdue painting in the house at the moment and it’s made me realise how much I’ve changed since the last time I did any around five years ago. I’m a lot fitter and stronger than before. I moved furniture, did preparation stuff, then painted a ceiling and the first coat on all four walls all in one long session. I’m also sober which was odd yesterday because I’ve always strongly equated DIY work (which I don’t particularly enjoy) with earning copious amounts of wine ‘rewards’.

Previously I would have done a few hours and then had the first glass of wine, telling myself I’d carry on working. Once the wine started to take effect I’d at least have the sense to realise I shouldn’t be climbing ladders and handling open paint cans so I’d abandon the job. I’d have sat amidst my part-finished paint job and got sloshed, telling myself I’d ‘earned’ it, that I ‘deserved’ it. This time I got into my PJs and ate the takeaway my partner bought, sat and digested whilst admiring the results for a bit and then went to bed for some much needed sleep. The bliss of crashing into bed thoroughly knackered and feeling satisfied by the day’s achievements was far sweeter than the wine could ever have been. I’m awake again before it’s light, free from a hangover and ready to carry on transforming my nest. Yeah! I’m turning into a person that gets shit done.

I’ve been remarkably free from any cravings for a few weeks now. Even the DIY association yesterday didn’t produce any cravings as such. There was a low background rumble of some sort in my consciousness. The connection had definitely stirred but it felt distant and disconnected and it didn’t form into any recognisable drinking thinking. Instead I just acknowledged it and it seeped away harmlessly, like a fart into the wind.

I’m doing a lot of reading on the subject of addiction at the moment. In the early stages I read a lot of drinking memoirs which gave me those ‘me too!’ moments and helped me to recognise that my own drinking had gone awry. Now I’m feeling more acceptance and stability in my sobriety my attention is turning to wanting to understand more about it. There are so many different models, arguments and theories surrounding addiction. I’m genuinely open and interested in all ideas and much of what I read contradicts what I’ve previously read. Disease, not disease, choice, self-medication, learning disorder, 12-step, not 12-step, neuroscience, neuropsychology, psychology etc. I can’t get enough of the learning. The concepts are slowly taking shape in my mind but I can think of a number of books that warrant a second or even third reading. I feel like my brain is waking up again.

I haven’t been online much in the last few days, I’ll sit down and catch up with blog reading over the weekend (I’m off work yay!) I guess for now I’d better put my painting pants back on and get on with it. Big hugs to anybody who’s struggling in the early days. I know how you’re feeling, keep hanging in there. At one stage I NEVER could have imagined approaching eight months but here I am. If (after what seemed like a million restarts) I can do it then you can do it too x Have a great weekend everybody 🙂

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Day 230

  1. feelingmywaybackintolife September 15, 2017 / 8:53 am

    Yay! Congrats on a week no cravings AND the painting. How cool! I got away lucky without a lot of cravings after the first month. Not sure how and why. Maybe the desensitization course I really did change my brains response to drinking. Don’t know. I would like to know for sure but ha! Not going back to try again. 😉
    DIY and drinking; I believe marketing does a lot to convince us ‘we have deserved that glass’. We deserve to take good care of us. Drinking poison does not add to that. 😦
    Enjoy your painted room! 🙂
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 3:37 am

      I’m glad you managed to shake off the cravings after the first few weeks. It makes such a difference when they fade! I was definitely having something happening when I was decorating. I ate doritos, chocolate and drank huge amounts of coffee for the 3 days I was doing it. I feel shit now but still a million times better than if I’d let wine get involved. It was worth the effort though, I love my living room again 😀

      Thanks feeling, hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • feelingmywaybackintolife September 19, 2017 / 5:06 pm

        Yes! Million times better! I am happy that you have a new living room! Must be nice. I still have my old business stuff in there. Daily reminder of failed, well, business. 😦 Not good.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater September 21, 2017 / 11:30 am

        Glad you’re feeling better. Could you get rid of the business stuff? Or at least pack it away out of sight? I still believe it’s better to have tried and failed than to end up saying, damn! I wish I’d had a go… x

        Liked by 1 person

      • feelingmywaybackintolife September 21, 2017 / 10:24 pm

        Nah, the business stuff is all tools and stuff. Don’t want to lose them and I don’t have room to pack them away. Sort of stuck here I guess untill I make a decission. 🙂
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Elizabeth September 15, 2017 / 12:57 pm

    Oh boy do I relate to the mindset of rewards with wine! I admire those who are willing to paint- my mother would paint anything and everything! Me? I would rather have a root canal. 🙂 Congratulations on 230! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 3:41 am

      Thanks Elizabeth x I would love to get out of the painting but it’s too expensive for my current budget to pay somebody to do it. Doing it sober and listening to podcasts made it far more tolerable than it’s ever been before so that’s good and the results were worth it, it’s made such a difference 😀

      Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. thenewnewguy September 15, 2017 / 4:30 pm

    DIY work and alcohol ‘rewards’ were a big part of my life, and it took a long time for the association to fade. Now I do more work around the house than ever before, but usually don’t even think about havng a drink. It’s a wonderful thing!

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 3:44 am

      I ended up eating doritos and chocolate and takeaways for 3 days to quiet the strange craving rumblings. It’s definitely an association that hasn’t yet faded for me though I guess this sober DIY session was the first step in breaking the link and next time may be easier. I’m glad you’ve got this in hand, well done you 🙂

      Like

  4. ainsobriety September 15, 2017 / 7:46 pm

    So many books, so much contradiction.
    I have found willingness to try something different, and to make my own opinion, is vital.
    I can be stubborn and judgemental. That’s just me.
    I so relate to your painting.lol I would have made a mess and the. Been resentful I ever started a project.
    Silly.
    Day 230 is awesome!

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 3:49 am

      I agree. I seem to be patching together my own methods by taking what makes sense from each concept. There’s so much overlap yet contradiction between the different models too it’s a real head-bender. Interesting though.

      Thanks Anne, I hope you’re well 🙂 x

      Like

  5. postcardsfromrecovery September 15, 2017 / 10:53 pm

    Yay you!

    I think I was a member of the same Wine Rewards Club. 😂. After a while, everything deserves a reward.

    Happy day230!!

    xo
    Penelope

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 3:52 am

      Hi Penelope

      This made me laugh 😀 It’s crazy isn’t it?! I was so busy ‘rewarding’ myself that I was in a state where I never actually got round to doing anything that was worthy of a reward.

      Hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Untipsyteacher September 18, 2017 / 7:54 pm

    I know early on I read and learned so much about addiction, and you are right.There are so many theories. It’s really interesting! Keeping an open mind is the best.
    Have fun learning!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 19, 2017 / 4:01 am

      Thanks Wendy 🙂 I’m definitely keeping an open mind about it all. I love learning, far more than I love painting so I’m happy it’s over and I can get back to the interesting stuff.

      Hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Mark David Goodson September 19, 2017 / 5:22 pm

    I applaud several things in this post. The DIY, the reading up on addiction, and the refraining from internet usage. I think all those (even though I agree the DIY can be stressful) are not easy but worth it.

    I have my own project coming up this weekend. I’m trying to stain and paint a room that has been our achiles heel since we bought our house. The reward will be getting it done, as it will be my reading room, writing room, study, sort of place. So that is motivating me very much.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sarah September 20, 2017 / 1:27 pm

    It’s amazing how much shit we can get done when we don’t drink anymore. I just finished an interesting book with a controversial idea that addiction is not a disease. it was called the biology of desire. really good non-fiction 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater September 21, 2017 / 11:44 am

      Hi Sarah. Thanks for your comment, it’s encouraging because I feel like I’m wading into controversial territory with leaning towards that point of view. I’m just reading the same book. He also wrote a memoir-based book, have you read that too? If you enjoyed this then I’d highly recommend Unbroken Brain by Maia Szalavitz. Do you have a blog? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sarah September 26, 2017 / 7:48 pm

        Sorry I just saw this now. Still getting used to WordPress and notifications. I have not read his memoir. I’m interested, though. I will definitely check out Unbroken Brain. And yes, my blog is nomoretoomuch.wordpress.com 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater September 28, 2017 / 10:29 am

        No worries, I sometimes go days without checking in here these days and end up replying really late. The memoir is called Memoirs Of An Addicted Brain. I’m following your blog now, looking forward to hearing about your journey 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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