I haven’t checked in here for ages now and I just realised I didn’t make a single post in October. I hope folks are doing well and had a good sober October if they were doing that.
I’m still sober and well over nine months now so my absence wasn’t because I’d fallen off the wagon. Instead I’ve been engulfed by a dragging, lurking dark cloud of depression. I don’t know if it’s the change of season or if I’ve hit a burst of PAWS or if it’s just a longer lasting version of the on and off flat state that’s followed me around as long as I can remember.
It’s not severe. Even on my worst days I’m far from suicidal. I’m still working and doing a good impression of a person functioning in society. I just have zero motivation for anything. I’ve withdrawn socially IRL and online; I’m eating junk, sleeping lots (often unplanned and randomly on the sofa), spending whole days on netflix and neglecting my exercise, self care and creative activities.
I know what I need to do to pull out of the nosedive but I have that strange out-of-body point of view where I’m just standing by and watching myself do all the wrong things. It’s odd and frustrating and I recognise it from the many times I’ve watched myself pour glasses of wine even though I didn’t really want to and knew it was a bad idea.
The one silver lining in this very un-pink cloud I’m currently in is that I have absolutely no desire to drink. There has been none of the usual drinking debates in my mind about feeling bad anyway so I might as well drink or that drinking would help. In my more observant moments I can find a surrendered and observing attitude and although I don’t really know what current is dragging me down to this place I definitely knows it’s not due to a lack of alcohol. Alcohol is the last thing I need right now, ugh! Alcohol would just make everything worse. I know that attitude is hard to imagine for some of you in the early stages but I promise you, the shift does eventually happen.
If it gets worse or lasts too long I’ll go see my GP but for now I’m going to wait it out and see what I can learn from it. I’ve already had some shifts in awareness over the last month, mostly around what I can control and do something about and what I can’t and must let go of for my own sanity. I’ve had a lot of anger come up and out too, like a psychological puking. I’m doing a fair bit of reading during this down time too so it’s not all bad. I’ll try to check in here more often. I feel a bit better after writing this.
I hope everybody is doing ok and I’m sorry I haven’t really kept up with your blogs. I’ll try to catch up in the coming days and weeks. Sober hugs and best wishes x
tired of treading water 
I’m sorry your stuck in that. I have had some severe episodes of depression and they aren’t at all fun.
Vitamin D can make a difference…I have a happy light on my desk and it helps as well. Plus, I take cipralex. I think it keeps the major depression at bay.
Big hug. Awareness is definitely important.
Take care.
Anne
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Thanks Anne. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience too 😦
I have a vitamin D lamp here which I don’t use over the summer but I’ll get back on it now it’s getting dark and cold. Being a gadget nerd I’m actually contemplating buying a human charger too.
Hugs back at ya x
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I didn’t even read your post, I am just so glad to see you here. I will now go read your post.
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I’m sorry but it is par for the course… just know you are loved over here on Sober Island
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Have you heard of My Favorite Murder podcast? It has nothing to do with sobriety but one of the girls is sober… I just kinda think you might like them.. look them up and tell me to fuck off
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Thanks, I’ll check it out. It’s good timing because I’ve been feeling a bit uninspired by my podcast list at the moment and need some new ones to keep my long night shifts ticking along 🙂
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Aww, thanks hon, it makes me happy to hear that. Same to you too x
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You are so funny:)
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I just kind of have a feel you can appreciate the murderino. If I am so off base, I need to know. I wish I could give you a number to tune into that would be a good one to tune into… just pick one.
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It’s probably not off base at all. I’ve recently been listening to one called cults which takes an in-depth look into major murderous craziness like the Manson family etc…
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which one is that?
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It’s just called Cults and it’s done by Parcast. I’m just loading up my ipod for tonight’s shift and I’ve added a couple of the murder ones into the mix.
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Don’t get put off by all the commercials .. because I do. I love how they tell tell the story
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I loved the podcast. Their stream of banter is really entertaining plus the stories are great. I’ll definitely listen to more, thanks again for the heads up 😀
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Great! I’m sorry I blew up this comment section, you can delete it if you want
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It’s fine, don’t worry!
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Stay sexy, don’t get murdered
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That’s why you are my sober buddy.
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Yeah!
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So good to hear from you!
I read a lot when I am down too.
I understand depression, and have had very bad times in the past.
The fall and change of light is a harder time for me. This year is not bad, though.
I sure hope this passes soon!
xo
Wendy
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Hi Wendy! It seems a few of us here have had this sort of problem. I’m glad to hear the season change is going well for you. It will pass, I know, it always passes in the end. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Hugs xx
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Hello! I’m so glad you are posting about this. It’s really crap when you can feel yourself going into a depression but can’t do anything about it. I have found that just allowing it and observing can sometimes help to lift it. Fighting and resisting it can make it worse. The other thing that really helps me is Byron Katie and Eckhard audiobooks. I listen to them religiously when I feel myself slipping. The other thing you can try is watching lots of comedy on tv. Big hugs, I know it sucks. On the plus side at least you dont want to drink over it which is amazing progress. xxxxxxx
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Hi Hurrah 🙂 I think you’re right about not fighting it, surrendering does feel like the right thing to do for now. I actually found a Byron Katie book at a charity shop for 75p last week so that’s probably good timing. I’m trying to stop buying books and read through the ones I already have queued up but that one felt worth making an exception for. Thanks for your suggestions, I find them really helpful. It does feel like progress, definitely, which makes it all a bit easier to put up with. I hope you’re good, hugs xxx
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Synchronicity! I’m also trying to stop bying books, I have an actual mountain next to my bed.
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I think the three of us should start a podcast… give them all a run for their money. It could be about depression, sobriety, unicorn pajamas and the really dark thoughts in out heads and blogging and the people we find interesting. Plus I imagine that the two of you have the sweetest English accents. Ok… maybe not. (I figured I just freaked both y’all out) Loved to skype or something someday, Can you do that 3 way?
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LOL! I hate the sound of my voice recorded. HFC wasn’t born here and my accent isn’t what you’d call sweet, it’s kind of a gal version of Sean Bean and apparently the best accent on the planet for say the word ‘bastard!’ as demonstrated here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWkiwru0sfQ (can’t link from comments?!) As for 3 way skype I’ve got no idea, I haven’t used it for years. It could be fun though.
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That’s a hilarious video. I am going to have to save that and use it elsewhere. I hate the sound of my voice too. I forgot that she’s an Afrikaans, right? Technology I am sure will improve as I haven’t used Skype in a very long time
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Yep, she’s from South Africa. Last time I used skype I remember buying calling credit which I’m guessing is a thing of the past, I’ll have to check it out again.
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Hi TOTW, sorry to hear about your un-pink cloud. I’m stuck in something like that too. Lately I’ve been wondering if I apply ‘What is in the way, is The Way’ to everything and anything, I should also apply this to my depression. I see it happen often that people take sobriety as a thing which needs to be solved spiritually, but depression is treated medically. I have a big fear of regular medication so for me it is easy to say anything about that obviously. Long story longer: I was just wondering if depression is not just a step on the ladder of un-addicting.
From homeopathic medicine I know that when we heal, we go back in time with our symptoms. So if, in our younger years, I had an issues with ‘no attachment’ leading to ‘no self care’ leading to ‘depression’, leading to ‘drinking’ – it can be expected that if I quit drinking, the depression comes back, teaching me how te take care of me and then hopefully leading to learning to re-attach to Life. Still just a theory but I am trying it on myself. Not all too succesfully unfortunately because the essence of my depression is not caring anymore/ not being attached to Life anymore. 😀 Ghegheghe….. ooh bugger… 😦
Doesn’t that sound exactly like: every silver lining has a dark cloud to it? 🙂 🙂 🙂
Sending hugs ❤
xx, Feeling
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Hi Feeling! I’m sorry you’re stuck in this too 😦 I think you make some really good points here. I’ve also wondered if it’s a stage I need to go through as a transition phase of some sort. It’s definitely made me think more about some healing disciplines that I know and have practised in the past, maybe I need to remember and apply them now. Maybe I just need a lot more reading time at the moment? Don’t know… I hope we can both find our way through the clouds as quickly as possible. Hugs to you too xx
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Great to “see” you TOTW! Not wanting to drink is huge when you’re in that funk. It’s progress that doesn’t feel like progress. I’m fine with laying around for a bit when I’m in “it” but I try to give myself a limit- set a date where you begin to use your self discipline to do small tasks that will get you moving and feeling satisfaction. You’ll gain momentum towards the positive. ❤
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Hi Elizabeth! I know what you mean when you say progress that doesn’t feel like progress. That’s a really interesting way of looking at it. There is definitely some sort of progress happening which is at least a bit comforting. The setting a date idea is a good one. I’ve been listening to a variety of podcasts over the weekend at work and some have already sparked some ideas of simple things I can do on a daily basis to try to pull myself back up to a lighter place. I think I’m going to be ok. Thank you for your support, it really helps xx
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Always my friend. ❤
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You definitely have the type of depression I have suffered from for years. Well since I was 30 (52 now) but it’s great to hear that you don’t feel the urge to drink. I spent years taking tablets which really did help but at 40 I decided to try and keep them under control myself. To be honest I’m not sure I ever did as I drank so much it was probably the alcohol stirring round my body. What you describe your going through are what I call my flat moments which seem to go in a cycle. Down and out flat and not wanting to move, then something will inspire me/intrigue me/new project/ something to look forward to will help lift it (even a routine I had going of walking and taking pictures that I could photos hop and create an album with) but then my mood progresses to all out excitement and euphoria ending 3 months later crashing back down to the flatness only to be back to… Repeat! I’m.not sure what words of wisdom I can offer you but a new hobby or project or discovery or coloring book, something to stimulate the brain may help. Give yourself a good slap on the back though and look in the mirror and say outloud how bloody marvellous you are for staying sober! X
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Wow! Thank you for sharing that with me. It does sound pretty similar to what I end up doing fairly often. I’ve worried on more than one occasion that I may have bipolar issues but I’ve never done anything about getting help which I maybe should have done. Stopping drinking has definitely calmed the whole cycle down to a degree.
The walking photography sounds just like the kind of thing I enjoy. I’ve let my woodland time slip a little now it’s cold and grey here. I’ve decided on a good creative direction with my surface pattern designs so I have found the thing to focus on this time, hopefully my focus will last a while.
Thanks for your kind words and support, I really appreciate it x
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Surface pattern designs sounds great. It is a struggle with the walking and the dark mornings and nights, but thankfully they will soon fade and when those lighter days come I’m going out every single day. I live near a beach town, I was talking to a lady yesterday who runs at night along the beach promenade as it so well lit! Sounded a bit scary to me lol
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Scary, and dedicated! The sun is out this morning, maybe I’ll drag my lazy butt out for a hike 😀
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