Day 88

I’m still here and still sober but I haven’t really felt like blogging as much in the last couple of weeks. I’m on day 88 now and not drinking is becoming more normal and routine. Over the last 12 weeks I’ve spent almost as much time thinking about not drinking as I did thinking about drinking and I feel like I’m ready to move on to the next stage, whatever that is.

I still get those ‘Ooh, wine would fit nicely into this moment’ kind of thoughts but I’m now noticing they seem to be more a result of ingrained habitual thinking than a real desire. Those thoughts are fading in intensity and have less power over me. I’m recognising a subtle separation between that restless, uncomfortable ‘gap that needs filling’ feeling and its association with wine. It panics me less and I am able to think, ‘Yeah, yeah, mind the gap, it’ll pass’. When I’ve started to ‘play the movie’ in my head I’ve sometimes even noticed an aversion to the thought of drinking. Deep down I know that looking to alcohol in these moments is pointless and futile and will never solve anything.

I’m starting to recognise the difficult moments as an opportunity to be mindful and a chance to stand up and build something new and better rather than taking the old, familiar and ‘easier’ option. It’s really not easy. I feel like I’m climbing a mountain at the moment. I seem to frequently fall into a trough of TV or game bingeing, pizza and chocolate bingeing or just lethargy, flatness and laziness. I also somehow always seem to find a way to pull myself out of it. I’m hungry for knowledge and experimentation whether it’s in psychology, spirituality, nutrition or any form of behaviour change. Maybe I’m finally ready to make the climb, to do the work that I’ve spent most of my life avoiding? No matter how hard the climb feels at times I’ve come far enough and seen enough benefits to not want to get drunk and slide backwards down the mountain. I can feel a shift towards being motivated by positive and constructive desires to build and grow rather than shying away from negativity and fear.

Now I’m starting to be a bit less preoccupied with not drinking I’m moving back towards some other projects in my life. My artwork is always waiting for me. I’m back on the decluttering mission. I’m also starting a new writing project which I won’t detail here as it won’t be written anonymously. I know that none of this would get the chance to happen if I let alcohol back into my life at the moment. I don’t know what my longer term future relationship with alcohol will be but I know that it has no place in my life for the forseeable future.

I’m still reading other sober blogs every day even though I haven’t been writing. It has been very interesting to read about the experiences of people who have managed increasingly large chunks of sobriety and then returned to drinking for various reasons. Some of their relationships with alcohol seem to have changed for the better and I’m hoping for it to continue for them. I really do wish the best for them but I’m also aware (as I’m sure they are) that alcohol can be deceptive like that while it’s in the process of creeping back in.

I have noticed that people tend to back away from blogging once they reach a point where they are aware they don’t fit neatly into one of the many labels around alcoholism and addiction. I also know many people couldn’t continue to read if a blog described a return to a new relationship with alcohol. For some it would be dangerous and triggery, for others not so much. Like religion, this is one of those subjects that tends to forge extremely strong opinions and the potential for conflict with people holding opposing views. Myself, I can’t help but be curious about the grey areas while respecting, appreciating and learning from all the different points of view from this wonderful community. I would certainly continue to read and be open to a variety of possibilities for how this journey could ultimately unfold.

Maybe addiction isn’t a black and white matter after all and could be more of a spectrum, like autism? Is it possible that once one has repaired the ‘hole in the soul’ then a previously problematic substance or behaviour may end up being no more dangerous than a luxurious soak in the bath? Can we get to a stage where it’s just a non-issue, like me and the smoking that I quit 15 years ago? I don’t spend my life in fear of cigarettes and know it’s going to be zero effort to never smoke again. Will that / could that happen with alcohol?

I know this is trigger territory for many and I apologise if it’s hard to read but I have read so many different views and opinions on addiction that I don’t know what I really believe. I feel more able to ponder questions like this at the moment as I’m genuinely open and curious rather than just looking for a way to talk myself back into the bottle. For now I’ve made my peace with the perspective that I can choose alcohol or spiritual/life/health growth and remind myself of this with my new Spiritus Contra Spiritum bracelet 🙂

bracelet

Take care everybody, be well x

Podcast resources

Last night I was feeling a bit flat and restless and not quite sure what to do with myself. I could feel wolfie beginning to stick his snout round the door so I ended up distracting myself on youtube looking at funny animal videos. The result was aching tummy muscles from laughing and a much better mood very quickly. I have no idea why sneezing cats are so funny but it cracks me up every time… 😀

It’s easy to take the internet for granted, or end up surfing mindless crap, or engaging in a pointless comparison session on facebook etc… On the flip side, I’m also really grateful for the huge range of online resources that are free and accessible to anybody that’s interested. As well as blogging, podcasts have become a big part of my sober efforts.

I remember the bubble hour being mentioned on a few different blogs and thinking I’d have to get round to having a listen. I dug out an old ipod shuffle and got stuck in to itunes. That was my first experience with podcasts and I haven’t stopped since then so thank you to the folks that mentioned the bubble hour – it led onto great things for me. I listen to podcasts all night when I’m at work. I listen when I’m pottering in the house, and when I’m drawing. I listen to guided meditations to relax.

As well as sober podcasts I also have found fascinating talks on health/wellness, lifestyle, psychology, and many people sharing ways in which they are trying to live in the fullest most optimal ways possible. I’ve learned so much and had my mind opened in so many ways and when my motivation is flagging or my mood is flat it helps me to listen to interesting people talking about doing inspiring things. The ones that have people sharing their addiction stories are particularly powerful for me as I don’t go to meetings and so I don’t hear that kind of sharing elsewhere, other than the blogs of course…

Below is a list of my current favourites and if anybody else has any suggestions to add to the list I’d love to hear them too:

SOBRIETY

  • HOME podcast – Holly Whitaker and Laura McKowen
  • The Sobriety Network – Bryan Edmund
  • The SHAIR podcast – addiction and recovery stories
  • Mindful recovery – Robert Cox
  • Since Right Now – with two guys called Chris and Jeff

HEALTH / WELLNESS

  • Amy Myers MD – She has a particular interest in solving autoimmune diseases
  • Zestology – Tony Wrighton
  • The fat burning man show – Abel James
  • Revolution health radio – Chris Kresser
  • The quantified body: citizen science
  • Bulletproof radio – Dave Asprey
  • The Tim Ferriss show
  • The longevity and biohacking show – Jason Hartman

LIFESTYLE

  • The Minimalists – Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus
  • Minimalism for the rest of us
  • The slow home podcast – Brooke McAlary

SPIRITUALITY

  • Dharmapunx NYC and Brooklyn – Josh Korda (my favourite buddhism teacher with 17 years recovery and a strong interest in psychology. He swears lots just so you know)
  • Tara Brach
  • Heat wisdom with Jack Kornfield
  • Urban Dharma

Now my next job is to refill my ipod before I get some sleep so I can work tonight… Have a lovely Sunday peeps x

Day 27 almost 4 weeks

I was going to write something to mark 3 weeks but I was busy working and didn’t get round to it. Then when I wasn’t busy working I was busy playing Xbox and still didn’t get round to it. I gave myself a few of those lazy ‘All that matters is that you don’t drink’ kind of days and thoroughly enjoyed being unproductive.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride again this last week or so. After the high of pushing myself out into the world to go to the buddhist centre I came crashing down to find out that the place I chose could be a bit dodgy. It is a splinter group of buddhism that have issues and have even been accused of being an exploitative cult by some ex ‘members’. They only study from the books written by their founder and have brought faith into it – faith in the teacher – which is the biggest red flag for me. I have no issue with faith-based practises but faith has no place in buddhism. I’ve found another centre, it’s further away but I’m going to try to get to that one instead.

I was shocked by the deep low that this discovery triggered in me. I was so depressed that I’d got it ‘wrong’ and so many old feelings of failure / fear of failure came flooding out. I slumped for most of the next day but did finally come round to thinking more logically about it. I reasoned out that it was mainly a quirk of geography (they run all the nearest buddhist classes to my town). I hadn’t heard of them before but I’d made the assumption that they would hold the buddha’s core teachings at the centre of their tradition as do all the others. I think it was a reasonable assumption.

I observed how I was judging and blaming myself and where my control freak tendencies were affecting me. As I felt all the uncomfortable feelings and thought it through I managed to learn a lot about myself and turn it around into a positive learning experience. Far more life-enhancing than drinking 😀

I’ve also had inexplicable high mood swings too. Sudden waves of feeling great have swept me away for no reason. The other morning I was making a cup of tea when I got back from work and I found myself jiggling around and singing in the kitchen and laughing at the WTF?! look on my cat’s face.

I’ve lost about 5lbs in weight. Not drinking (poison) and not eating sugary crap (more poison) seems to be meshing together well at the moment as the lack of the first is not leading to the latter. If I fancy something sweet I have a bit of 85% dark chocolate or some manuka honey stirred into natural yoghurt. My body seems to be saying ‘Yayy! thank you for not poisoning me hon! You rock and you deserve to feel great!’. The last thing I want to do is sound judgemental by calling sugar a poison. I know it has its place for many in early sobriety but I’m trying hard to rescue my dreadful health by going the whole healthy hog and so am reframing it in my mind in this way.

I bought a Nutri Ninja blender which I already love. I’ve fancied a high-powered blender for a few years but could never justify the hundreds of pounds they have cost. This was reduced to clear at the shop I work for and with my staff discount I got one for £54 – bargain! I’m trying a different smoothie variation each day and it’s such an easy way to pack in a load more fruit and veg each day.

Well, that ended up being a bit long and rambling so I’ll shut up now. If you made it this far then thank you, and have a lovely, sober day wherever you are X 🙂

 

Day 18 and a huge step taken

As a major introvert I’ve always struggled with socialising and having to meet new people. This is probably the key factor that started me down the path of heavy drinking. When I was younger I forced myself to go out – which made me highly uncomfortable – and so I would get drunk to hide from the difficult, awkward feelings.

As the years have passed I’ve become much more accepting and appreciative of my introverted nature and have stopped shoehorning myself into inappropriate social situations. This being said, it does have a darker side. I have a stong tendency to isolate. While I think I’m lucky to be so happy with my own company and to find sanctuary in ‘alone time’ I also know that I hide behind it and use it to excuse myself from exploring life and the wider world.

Getting drunk tucked up on the sofa is so easy, and effortless, and after enough glasses I can just pretend that it’s all OK and anything challenging can wait until later. Life, as I hope to be living it, can wait until later. I find myself agreeing with wolfie over and over again – yeah, fuck that! it’s all just too scary out of my wine cocoon… And so, life shrinks down smaller and smaller until it becomes a shrivelled drunken shadow of its full potential.

I’ve suspected for some time now that alcohol is the anchor that is holding me still; a life spent just treading water instead of the adventurous voyage I believe it could be. Tonight I made myself take another step to change that. I went on my own to a class at a local buddhist centre 🙂

The feelings of anxiety and resistance started before I even got in my car. I almost chickened out but I promised myself 2 weeks ago that I would do this. Setting off on that short journey was about far more than just driving to a buddhist centre. It was about honouring a promise to myself and my life. It was about summoning up the courage to do something hard rather than shying away and hiding from (drinking away) the fear. Most importantly, it was about taking a decisive step towards finding a community and an activity that will support and complement my sobriety.

Although the adrenaline stomach feeling is horrible it was also oddly exhilarating as I realised it was a long time since I’d voluntarily kicked my own ass out of its comfort zone. Walking into a place full of strangers is excruciatingly awkward for me. I had a full-on rabbit in headlights moment as I decided where to sit in the busy room. All the seats were full other than the front row, which was empty – gulp! I sat alone, feeling exposed and conspicuous until more people arrived and joined me there. Then the teacher arrived, we all stood briefly in respect and the class began.

The talk and guided meditations were wonderful with a warm and humorous teacher. It’s been a long time since I meditated in a group setting and it is a truly lovely energy and feeling. I stayed afterwards for a coffee and a chat with a small group of people and learned enough about the place to know I’ll continue to go back for their weekly classes.

On the way home I realised the adrenaline and caffeine had left me a bit strung out and I had that oh so familiar thought of ‘Oh some wine would calm this right down’. I observed it as a habitual thought and let it pass through and disappear. There was no danger I was going to indulge it this time 🙂

I’m feeling positive about myself and my sobriety tonight and so happy that I found the courage to take another important step towards changing my life for the better. I guess one meditation class is a baby step in the bigger picture but it felt like a giant leap forwards for me.

I hope everybody has had a day of moving forwards, even if only in baby steps x

 

Day 8

I’m about 19 minutes away from ticking over into day 8 as I start writing this. Still going round in circles a bit but at least they are fairly large circles of weeks rather than days.

I’m being easy on myself, not trying to do too much at once. I’m working on my artwork when I feel like it but not pushing myself to achieve anything at all other than not drinking at the moment. Netflix binges are currently my friend and that seems to be helping. I know that can’t be a long-term strategy and would just be transferring my addiction but for now, it’s good.

I feel like I have a fair bit of energy and am clear-headed which is lovely. These are two things that have eluded me for a long time due to nagging illness. I’m eating low carb at the moment which actually doesn’t take too much discipline for me – as long as I’m not drinking of course – forget about any level of discipline after a few glasses of wine. I love fatty food and tons of vegetables and I just feel so much better when I eat like this.

I talked to an old university friend earlier who also happens to have been my partner in crime for a large amount of my past heavy drinking. He mentioned he was about to have some wine and beer tonight and I said I was still on a not drinking kick. He commented that the amount he drinks these days seems to be slowly decreasing with age. I wished I could join him for a drink and pondered how different that was to me and then told him mine was going in the opposite direction which was why I was looking at quitting. He wasn’t at all shocked. We talked about it a bit longer, no heavy confession session or anything but it felt good to be able to tell him about some of my worries around booze. It was slightly triggery but nothing too hard to manage.

I’m listening to lots of interesting podcasts at the moment. I find it an easy way to make a positive use of the time freed up by not drinking. Listening to new things feels like it expands my world rather than it shrinking and turing in on itself when I’m drinking. Sobriety, neuroscience, psychology, buddhism, biohacking and health improvement are my favourite topics at the moment.

Well, I think it may be time for a netflix session now. Wishing everybody a happy, healthy and sober Sunday x

 

Checking in

Wow, it’s been ages since I posted. My poor little blog has been neglected recently. I’m still reading other blogs but not spending much time on my own so I thought it was time to check in here.

I’m still a work in progress. I’m booze-free for a large majority of the time but I have been slipping up from time to time. I seem to have gone into a pattern of 2-3 weeks off and then a slip up. I’m not beating myself up about it and it’s leading to a new and subtle learning process. I’m not trying harder, I’m trying differently.

I’m practicing ongoing mindfulness as much as possible. Through this I’m really noticing the change in the quality of my life experience after each slip. I’m gently watching the physical slump and the mental agitation of a hangover. I’m patiently being aware of the mild but definite anxiety and depression after my increasingly rare drinks. By taking the self-berating out of it and just watching the process without judgement something different seems to be happening.

I’m feeling a growing aversion to drinking that is coming from somewhere deep inside. It feels like a small green shoot that has the potential to grow into something big and strong. It’s growing naturally without any should’s or criticisms or health fears or presentations of logical reasons why it must happen. The dry periods are getting easier and longer and the time between having a drink and then noticing how shit it really is and pushing it away again is getting shorter. This feels like progress of a different kind than I’ve had before using more of a ‘grit my teeth’ approach.

I’ve been making some changes in my general life too. My artwork is still going well and I’m making progress there. I also stumbled on a small kindle book called Miss Minimalist by Francine Jay. It really connected with me on a deep level. It’s all about simple and frugal living and not getting bogged down by the stuff we own, or by the wanting to own.

I could totally relate to the description of feeling suffocated by having too much stuff and being disorganised in general. It sparked a huge de-clutter and so far 3 full car boots have gone off to charity shops and the tip. There’s still more to go but it’s stuff I need to go through more slowly or digitise or sell. Each car load out felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders and it put me in the best most upbeat mood I can remember for a long time that didn’t involve some sort of substance use. It felt like that blessed relief you get post-constipation but on a bigger, life level 😀

I’ve also decided to train as a counsellor. It’s something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time. Nothing is going to happen in a hurry. I’ve missed the start dates of the courses in my local college. I don’t think I can start until January next year and after that it looks like about 6 years of part-time study. I’m not a big planner for the future but I know I don’t want to still be stacking shelves in 10 years, never mind the physical wear and tear it brings. A combination of artwork and counselling seems like a realistic way to work into my later life if necessary.

Well, that quick check in turned into quite a long post after all. It’s time for another cup of tea and to download some bubble hour and Buddhism podcasts for my coming 3 nights at work. I hope you all have a lovely weekend filled with as many peaceful, simple and gratitude-filled moments as possible x

Day 13 – a day of rest

I’m almost at 2 weeks now and it’s going pretty well. I’m not really having any cravings, just a few passing thoughts about alcohol but that’s it. This is great but I know from experience that my big challenge usually starts a bit further down the road.

I’m off work at the moment and my partner is away visiting family so the cat and I have the house to ourselves which is bliss 🙂 I do love my alone time. I’ve read about the concept of isolating on many other sober blogs which has led me to wonder if that’s what I do. I don’t think I do, I’d say it’s more a case that it’s my natural state rather than a cause for concern. The 75% of me that’s a loner needs time to relax and regenerate alone, and recent weeks have provided ample reminders of how exhausting I find the outside world.

Take yesterday for example. I walked to a household appliance store in town to arrange a repair because my washing machine has started chucking water across the kitchen at me. I dealt with a couple of guys who were pleasant, helpful and professional – and pretty attractive, in one case 😉 Then I pottered round some charity shops (thrift shops for non-UK peeps) and wandered home.

I also decided to get my car’s front tyres replaced so I could get all my ‘outside world’ stuff dealt with in one day. I have a tyre garage a 1 minute drive away so I headed up there and got a great deal from another nice, helpful guy. I had to wait in the waiting room with a couple of other people for about 30 minutes and then it was all over and I was home a minute later.

None of that is what you could call hard work or stressful but afterwards I was absolutely zombie-faced knackered. I wandered a bit aimlessly around the house, too tired to decide what to do and then curled up in bed to ‘read’ and fell fast asleep. I’d only been awake for 8 hours! Leave me alone with my artwork, books, cat, xbox etc. and I will stay awake for huge stretches. If I’m on a creative roll or playing a great game I’ve been known to do 24 hours easily. Send me out into the world to deal with stuff and *gasp!* people… and I pass out after just a few hours.

In hindsight, I wish I’d had the courage and wisdom to embrace my loner tendencies a long time ago – decades ago! I spent so many years trying to force myself to be more outgoing and social – to be somebody I’m not – and excessive drinking (and other substances) was the crowbar I used to prise myself out the front door. As I look more into buddhism I find a huge amount of comfort and wisdom in the concept of going AGAINST THE STREAM. Going against the stream of what is ‘normal’ pretty much sums up my whole life and I can now smile compassionately back at my lost, struggling (and hammered) younger self and smile contentedly as the person I’m now uncovering and reconnecting with in my periods of sobriety.

So, I guess I’m finally coming out as an arty, geeky, sober ‘against the streamer’. I’ll be 42 in a couple of months and after a lifetime of feeling like a misfit weirdo I’m actually getting to the stage that I can appreciate having very little in common with most other people my age. The more I look around me and contemplate life from a sober and spiritual persective the more I realise I’m happy with my life choices and with the person I’ve become.

I’ve ditched the big career, I stack shelves and am working on a future as an artist. I’ve hopped off the big hamster wheel of excessive consumerism so I can live thriftily and not bust a gut earning tons to pay for shit I don’t need. And I can stop comparing myself to others and worrying about what I ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing and what other people think of me – that may take a bit of work but that’s where the buddhism helps. Cue a nice quote from Mark Twain…

‘Comparison is the death of joy’.

Whatever you’re up to today I hope it’s a positive, happy, non-comparing and sober one. I’m planning on a scribbling, reading, alien shooting, tea drinking, cat cuddling, bath soaking kind of day at home with my front door firmly closed to the world. Phew!

Calm, then a storm, then calm again

So, at day 25 I’ve got past the three week point and this is where things have started getting difficult in my previous attempts to quit. Sure enough, two days ago I was hit by a massive storm of cravings which lasted pretty much a whole day.

I don’t know where it came from, there were no obvious stressors or triggers I can point to. I went from feeling fairly calm and content to pacing around the house with my head like a can of wriggling worms, thoughts racing out of control, feeling bored, restless, close to tears and like I wanted to rip my skin off and the only thing (in my mind) that was going to stop it was a hefty wine session.

In the middle of it all I remembered something from one of the buddhism podcasts I’ve been listening to – the instruction to go into the body when you’re feeling off-kilter. I checked myself out, what was my body feeling at that moment?

I had tense stomach muscles so I took a deep breath and let them go loose. My shoulders were up and my neck stiff so I tried to let that go. My leg muscles were restless so I dragged on my trainers and went out for a walk, trying to focus on the feeling of my feet hitting the floor and the in and out of my breathing. I walked for about an hour and got a bit sweaty and it helped a lot. It didn’t take away the cravings completely but it took the edge off them with some endorphins.

I then felt the urge to do some household purging. My head was saying no, I should be working on my artwork portfolio but my gut and heart were screaming ‘No! you need to clear some shit out of your world!’. I put aside the ‘shoulds’ and went with my gut. That day I filled a black bag with years of bits of paper to be recycled, carrier bags of stuff to go to charity shops, another black bag with bits of junk for the bin and I actually managed to do some ebay listings which has been a severe area of procrastination for me for a few years now.

In the end, I didn’t drink and I moved past the dreadful feelings back to a place of relative calm. The urge to purge has continued and I’m on a mission to strip my belongings back to what I actually need and with nothing extra to weigh me down. I love the feeling of lightness I get from removing ‘stuff’ from my life.

I’ll try to remember those steps again for when the next storm hits:
1. Go into my body
2. Do some physical exercise and release some endorphins
3. Listen to my heart and gut and ignore the ‘shoulds’ to find out the next right thing for me to do.

Wishing everybody a happy and sober weekend x

An important conversation

Something lovely happened last night. I had a long phone call with an old friend who I’ve known since starting college together at sixteen (25 years now, blimey!). We don’t get together that often because we live in different parts of the country but even if it’s been ages, when we get together we just pick up as if we saw each other last week.

During the phone call I told her about not drinking and about some of my recent drinking scenarios and the feelings that they brought up. I even went as far as to tell her I think it was time I admitted I had a problem. I’ve talked to her in the past about my mounting concerns about drinking so it wasn’t really dropping a bombshell but it still felt really huge to actually be saying that to somebody.

She was fantastic. The conversation didn’t skip a beat. There was no awkward silence, no OMG WTF! moment, no ‘you don’t really have a problem’ moment – just total support and acceptance.

We went on to talk about the psychological addiction and how it’s the more ‘hidden’ side of alcoholism rather than the outward measure of how many units are drunk. I told her I recently drank a wine box in two evenings because I somehow had to keep going back for more, because it was there calling to me. She admitted she’s slipped into daily drinking – just one or two – but still, frequently daily. She told me she could so easily slip into a state where she has a problem too and is trying to cut down and find other ways to relax at the end of the working day. We talked about her problems too. She has major self-esteem issues, has had a fairly recent bereavement and a history of codependent behaviour leading to horrendous experiences due to unfortunate choices of husbands or partners.

I felt calm and happy after the conversation. I’m so grateful that I have somebody with whom I can discuss real life shit – warts and all – and be part of a friendship that offers mutual support and acceptance.

She’s a health professional and I have a hunch she may enjoy some of the the secular buddhism podcasts that blend spirituality with psychology and neuroscience approaches. I’m going to find a basic ipod on ebay and load it with this sort of podcasts and post it to her as a gift with the invitation to delete them all and fill it with whatever she feels like if what I send doesn’t resonate. We all have our own paths after all…

Still here

I thought it was time I updated here, it’s been quite a while. I’ve been absent for a few reasons, some good, some not so good. I’ve still been reading other blogs at times and still am so appreciative of the courage and honesty displayed there even though I’ve been silent about it.

I’ve been spending any spare time on my artwork and am now soooo close to having a full enough portfolio of illustrations to start approaching people to kick off my goal of making a living from it. So that is definitely good.

My drinking has been on again, off again, going round in circles. I’ve sometimes been off for as long as 3 weeks but just keep slipping back into it. Each time I end up drinking again I seem to just push it a little harder which is obviously such a bad sign. It’s not normal or healthy to know that a full bottle of wine just isn’t going to be enough. I usually buy some cans of cider or beer *for my partner* at the same time as the wine and end up starting on that too.

I’m sick and tired, depressed and have little energy at the moment. It’s day one and I’m trying again.

I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and listening to buddhism podcasts. I love the teaching of Josh Korda from dharmapunx. Something about his talks really resonate on a deep level. It’s increasingly becoming clear to me that the low-level feelings of discomfort and alienation that I can’t ever remember not feeling is the core problem. I’ve come to the conclusion that my spiritual work and my sobriety work are inextricably linked. After reflecting on this I changed the sub-header of this blog from ‘Drinking less and living more’ to ‘Drinking less and waking up’.

Hugs to all, whatever day you’re on, I hope it’s a good one for you x