160 days

I’m over five months sober now. Crikey! I had a week or so of feeling really blah, just uninspired and restless. I was mourning the pink cloud days and getting into a bit of an ‘Is this it?’ sort of slump. One day I was feeling particularly scattered, frustrated and cranky so I did my self-care duty and went to the woods for a walk.

I’d been sitting on my butt for a couple of days and my right hip felt tight and painful. I started slowly and concentrated on the beautiful surroundings. Gradually my mood improved and I remembered how much I need physical activity to feel good. Once I got warmed up, I really got going. I was yomping along in a really strange mood that I can’t quite describe. I think ‘fierce’ is the best word for how I felt. It just crept up on me. I made sure I put on a friendly smile whenever I passed somebody in an attempt to not look weird or scary. I probably shouldn’t have worried though. I’ve been repeatedly told that I look sweet, innocent and even angelic (huh?) No matter what darkness is stirring on the inside, on the outside I apparently look about as badass as Bambi.

That fierce, determined feeling seems to have stuck around to a degree. I’ve been looking forwards and getting fired up by lots of creative ideas and life possibilities. I have a sense of being ready to open up and explore, to grab hold of life in a way I never could while drinking. The balance seems to have tipped even more away from the ‘look what I’m giving up’ thoughts towards the ‘holy shit, look what I’m getting!’ thoughts. I appreciate the shift very much and I hope it continues. I also accept that it may not. I’ll make the most of it for now.

I’ve set up a separate blog for my illustrated poems and other creative sobriety-related stuff. I want to keep it completely separate from here. This blog is more my personal warts and all, let it all hang out kind of space. The other one is going to be more of an inspirational quotes, ideas and resources spot. I’m still not ready to go loud and proud so I’m writing it under a pseudonym and the artwork is different enough from my more commercially aimed work that I won’t ‘out’ myself (I hope). If you’ve enjoyed the bits of poetry I’ve posted here then come and visit at relightinglife.com. That’s the only time I’ll link to it and I definitely won’t be linking from there to here. Yup, separate it is.

I now have that wonderfully, thoroughly tired feeling that only physical exertion can bring. I walked almost 9 miles this morning. My legs are aching and I’m hearing my bed calling my name. I wonder if I can managed an episode of Game of Thrones before I fall asleep? I’m going to try 🙂

I hope you’ve all had a good week and wishing you a lovely weekend whatever you’re up to. Love and sober hugs x

 

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Getting stuff done

I’m remembering how much time seems to expand and how tons of stuff gets done when I step away from the booze. I’ve been procrastinating less about the routine stuff like cooking, laundry and dishes. Today I managed to put up two pinboards in my home office which I’ve been wanting to do for months. This has cleared a bit of space in the spare room where the pinboards were being stored. It also means I’ve moved all the sketches, colour charts etc off my desk and onto the wall, leaving my desk fairly tidy.

I’ve also updated my satnav which I’ve been meaning to do for ummm… four years!

What strikes me as ridiculous is how easy these small jobs actually are so how the hell can I have put them off for so long? Why spend four years driving around and swearing at dodgy satnav directions when finding the right cable and plugging it into my laptop for an update took about ten minutes? It’s crazy.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my sober head seems to be able to simply take one thing at a time without over complicating things. My drinking / recovering from a drinking session head would have thought of all the possible problems with, for example, the simple job of putting the pinboards up:

‘I don’t know where the hammer / nails / string / hanging hooks are and can’t be bothered to look for them…’
‘I might not put them up level…’
‘It might be one of the rooms where the plaster is still the original victorian stuff that bends nails because it’s so hard…’and so on…

Yes, I had to hunt down all the necessary tools and bits for the job but it didn’t take that long. No, they’re not perfectly level but now they’re covered in sheets of A4 I don’t notice at all. Yes, it was the horrible old plaster that’s like concrete and it took me a few nails to poke deep enough to get a stable grip but I got there in the end. And yes, I now get to feel ridiculously pleased with myself for getting it done rather than deciding it’s all too much hassle and getting drunk instead.

Each job I tackle in my home and daily life feels like a step towards a simple and organised life. Each day I don’t drink feels like a step towards a simple and organised mind. It feels good 🙂