So, things haven’t been going so well the last few weeks. I’ve been managing to string together a few days of not drinking, often up to a week and then I’ve derailed my efforts one way or another.
I’ve also been having some really scary health stuff happening. I’m struggling with feeling the pointlessness of everything. I’m finding it difficult to get motivated to do the things I want to do to stop treading water. It sometimes feels like I’m watching myself starting to drown but I’m too lethargic to even chuck myself a life ring.
Sometimes I try so hard to improve something and it has the opposite effect. Here’s an example… I know that gluten is so bad for me in so many ways so I got all motivated in the kitchen and baked a load of experimental gluten-free and low sugar goodies. They turned out well and I was happy as I sampled them all. Then later on, I woke up in a right state, almost as fuzzy as being drunk. On my way to the bathroom I smacked my elbow on the wardrobe door handle, staggered into the wall and dragged myself along the landing by the bannister. I’m surpised I didn’t fall off the loo I was so wobbly.
The flour I used was predominantly tapioca based which I learned the hard way is a real no-no for anybody with thyroid problems. It took me a few days to rebuild my energy after that mistake but at least it’s a lesson learned that won’t be repeated.
A few days later I was at work talking to a colleague when I suddenly realised I couldn’t see half of her face. I’d lost peripheral vision in one eye and a good portion of my sense of physical coordination. The first aider was scared I was having a stroke and I was driven off the A&E. I was absolutely terrified! – my mum was only a few years older than I am now when she had her first serious stroke. I was checked out very thoroughly and it thankfully wasn’t stroke related but the doctors have no idea what it was.
I’ve been having random parts of my body go numb, or tingle, or feel weak, or have shooting pains, or I go dizzy etc.
It’s resurrected an old fear in the back of my mind. I’ve already had 2 autoimmune diseases diagnosed and my recurring skin problems could probably be classed as a 3rd if it was actually looked into properly. There are some really scary autoimmune diseases on the list and I’ve been doing my own research on how to turn my immune system around into a normal state as any treatments the doctors give just suppress symptoms rather than get to the root cause of the state of autoimmunity. It worked for my ‘lifelong and incurable’ Hashimoto’s diagnosis – every blood test comes back ‘within normal ranges’ since I changed my diet and added some supplements.
What is really scaring me is that I’ve now had every single warning sign of MS (one of the scariest autoimmune diseases on the list). Then again, it could also all be explained by fibromyalgia, or even a combination of migraine, sciatica, RSI and a touchy thyroid state so I’m trying not to get too paranoid about it. I’m building up to doing an autoimmune diet that cuts out all potential immune system triggers or gut irritants. I’ve done it before and it felt good but I’ve lost motivation and drifted away from it again. My motivation for that is back, as you can probably imagine.
Yesterday I was pretty crap all round. I binge-watched TV on Netflix instead of doing anything constructive. I ate takeaway instead of the delicious and appropriate food I’d been cooking. I felt utterly bored, unmotivated and a bit depressed and to top it off I walked to the local shop and bought a bottle of wine and drank it. FACEPALM moment 😦 I felt like I was watching myself do it all through a thick glass screen, knowing I should do something to stop it but just feeling too tired to deal with it all.
Today is a new day and I’m stroking myself down and climbing back out of the hole and making self-caring plans for the coming week. I’m viewing the last few weeks as a series of lessons learned rather than beating myself up about failures. I’m reminding myself that every moment is an opportunity to make mindful decisions that can either support and nourish my life or decrease my quality of life.
Wishing you all a supportive and nourishing day folks x