I put my hands up in surrender here, I’m done. Through. I don’t ever want to feel like this again. I admit it, I have a drinking problem. I’ve gone round this downward spiral so many times now, each time thinking that I may have a handle on it. I don’t. It’s like ripping the same scab off repeatedly and the injury underneath just keeps getting bigger and deeper.
I can’t drink. I mustn’t drink.
I’ve held on to the faint hope of being able to moderate and not looked too closely at how much I have been drinking when I slip. This morning I pulled the empties out of the recycling box and added up the units. It’s just under 16 units – more than a woman is supposed to drink in a whole week. This happens every time. Sure it could be worse I tell myself but how much worse does it have to get before I stop kidding myself? The denial needs to end.
I’m off to bed now, I’ve got to work tonight. When I wake up I’ll hopefully feel better physically and it’ll be a fresh start. I really need this to be my last hangover and day 1. My ipod is packed full of meditation and sobriety podcasts to listen to at work.
I have a visual reminder of last night’s fail too. I put a plate of fish, chips and curry sauce on the table, too close to the edge and then flipped it with my elbow when I sat down. It now looks like the cat had the butt-runs on the rug (parts of it are white, or they were). FFS! 😦
Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments I’ve had recently. I love this sober blogging space, it feels safe and full of love and care. I would feel more hopeless without it right now.
Take care folks x
Last night I was feeling a bit flat and restless and not quite sure what to do with myself. I could feel wolfie beginning to stick his snout round the door so I ended up distracting myself on youtube looking at funny animal videos. The result was aching tummy muscles from laughing and a much better mood very quickly. I have no idea why sneezing cats are so funny but it cracks me up every time… 😀
It’s easy to take the internet for granted, or end up surfing mindless crap, or engaging in a pointless comparison session on facebook etc… On the flip side, I’m also really grateful for the huge range of online resources that are free and accessible to anybody that’s interested. As well as blogging, podcasts have become a big part of my sober efforts.
I remember the bubble hour being mentioned on a few different blogs and thinking I’d have to get round to having a listen. I dug out an old ipod shuffle and got stuck in to itunes. That was my first experience with podcasts and I haven’t stopped since then so thank you to the folks that mentioned the bubble hour – it led onto great things for me. I listen to podcasts all night when I’m at work. I listen when I’m pottering in the house, and when I’m drawing. I listen to guided meditations to relax.
As well as sober podcasts I also have found fascinating talks on health/wellness, lifestyle, psychology, and many people sharing ways in which they are trying to live in the fullest most optimal ways possible. I’ve learned so much and had my mind opened in so many ways and when my motivation is flagging or my mood is flat it helps me to listen to interesting people talking about doing inspiring things. The ones that have people sharing their addiction stories are particularly powerful for me as I don’t go to meetings and so I don’t hear that kind of sharing elsewhere, other than the blogs of course…
Below is a list of my current favourites and if anybody else has any suggestions to add to the list I’d love to hear them too:
- HOME podcast – Holly Whitaker and Laura McKowen
- The Sobriety Network – Bryan Edmund
- The SHAIR podcast – addiction and recovery stories
- Mindful recovery – Robert Cox
- Since Right Now – with two guys called Chris and Jeff
HEALTH / WELLNESS
- Amy Myers MD – She has a particular interest in solving autoimmune diseases
- Zestology – Tony Wrighton
- The fat burning man show – Abel James
- Revolution health radio – Chris Kresser
- The quantified body: citizen science
- Bulletproof radio – Dave Asprey
- The Tim Ferriss show
- The longevity and biohacking show – Jason Hartman
- The Minimalists – Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus
- Minimalism for the rest of us
- The slow home podcast – Brooke McAlary
- Dharmapunx NYC and Brooklyn – Josh Korda (my favourite buddhism teacher with 17 years recovery and a strong interest in psychology. He swears lots just so you know)
- Tara Brach
- Heat wisdom with Jack Kornfield
- Urban Dharma
Now my next job is to refill my ipod before I get some sleep so I can work tonight… Have a lovely Sunday peeps x