5 weeks and a day and thoughts about ‘normal’

A while ago I was listening to a dharmapunx podcast and the teacher was talking about how our wanting to escape from everyday reality was influenced by the perspective from which we perceived our ‘normal’ state.

If we’re in a dreadful situation where we’re suffering, in pain or frightened then we look longingly at the idea of getting back to ‘normal’. As a good example he spoke about his excruciating experience of waiting for a kidney stone to pass.

If we’re in a great situation such as being on holiday, partying, or maybe feeling the rush of success or love, then we look grudgingly at the idea of getting back to ‘normal’.

Both ‘normals’ are of course the same thing, just our attitude to them is different.

It sounds so simple and obvious but it’s one of those things that no matter how much we think about it, it is so difficult for it to sink in. Then every so often we get an example or a lesson to remind us. I think this is what my last week has been all about…

First I had a cold. It was fairly mild but still crappy. Then I got a bout of hideous back pain at the base of my back. I was in the sort of pain that just leaves you helpless and surrendered, too scared to move because it brings on the searing hot poker sensation. It was fortunately mostly over in about 3 days. I have a bit of lingering pain when I sit but nothing too bad. The day I started to feel relief from the back pain I woke up with a banging headache and I felt generally awful – very much like a hangover. An hour after I woke I puked my guts out without warning for no obvious reason and then was left with an all-day headache.

Ok universe – I get the message! ‘Normal’ hasn’t looked and felt so damn gorgeous in a long time 🙂 I’ll try to remember to appreciate my everyday, calm, peaceful, pain-free (almost), secure and ‘normal’ moments without trying to escape. I know I’ll forget. The memory of the pain and suffering will trickle away like sand through my fingers and the perspective from which I look at ‘normal’ will begin to shift. I’ll try to remember though, I’ll really try – particularly if I’m thinking of trying to escape.

Not drinking feels good at the moment. I’m thinking about it less obsessively now. I know that that can change at any time so I’m not taking it for granted. I’m appreciating the easier sober moments, hours and days, and observing that they are gradually becoming far more frequent than the craving and psychologically wrestling, conflicted moments. I’m feeling some hope that something is somehow shifting in me on a deeper level but I’m not really sure just yet…

Hugs and strength to anybody who’s struggling and have a lovely sober Sunday night x

 

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