I put my hands up in surrender here, I’m done. Through. I don’t ever want to feel like this again. I admit it, I have a drinking problem. I’ve gone round this downward spiral so many times now, each time thinking that I may have a handle on it. I don’t. It’s like ripping the same scab off repeatedly and the injury underneath just keeps getting bigger and deeper.
I can’t drink. I mustn’t drink.
I’ve held on to the faint hope of being able to moderate and not looked too closely at how much I have been drinking when I slip. This morning I pulled the empties out of the recycling box and added up the units. It’s just under 16 units – more than a woman is supposed to drink in a whole week. This happens every time. Sure it could be worse I tell myself but how much worse does it have to get before I stop kidding myself? The denial needs to end.
I’m off to bed now, I’ve got to work tonight. When I wake up I’ll hopefully feel better physically and it’ll be a fresh start. I really need this to be my last hangover and day 1. My ipod is packed full of meditation and sobriety podcasts to listen to at work.
I have a visual reminder of last night’s fail too. I put a plate of fish, chips and curry sauce on the table, too close to the edge and then flipped it with my elbow when I sat down. It now looks like the cat had the butt-runs on the rug (parts of it are white, or they were). FFS! 😦
Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments I’ve had recently. I love this sober blogging space, it feels safe and full of love and care. I would feel more hopeless without it right now.
Take care folks x