I’m done

I put my hands up in surrender here, I’m done. Through. I don’t ever want to feel like this again. I admit it, I have a drinking problem. I’ve gone round this downward spiral so many times now, each time thinking that I may have a handle on it. I don’t. It’s like ripping the same scab off repeatedly and the injury underneath just keeps getting bigger and deeper.

I can’t drink. I mustn’t drink.

I’ve held on to the faint hope of being able to moderate and not looked too closely at how much I have been drinking when I slip. This morning I pulled the empties out of the recycling box and added up the units. It’s just under 16 units – more than a woman is supposed to drink in a whole week. This happens every time. Sure it could be worse I tell myself but how much worse does it have to get before I stop kidding myself? The denial needs to end.

I’m off to bed now, I’ve got to work tonight. When I wake up I’ll hopefully feel better physically and it’ll be a fresh start. I really need this to be my last hangover and day 1. My ipod is packed full of meditation and sobriety podcasts to listen to at work.

I have a visual reminder of last night’s fail too. I put a plate of fish, chips and curry sauce on the table, too close to the edge and then flipped it with my elbow when I sat down. It now looks like the cat had the butt-runs on the rug (parts of it are white, or they were). FFS! 😦

Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments I’ve had recently. I love this sober blogging space, it feels safe and full of love and care. I would feel more hopeless without it right now.

Take care folks x

 

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46 thoughts on “I’m done

  1. Newchapter January 28, 2017 / 12:24 pm

    Good luck. I’m right there with you on day 8. A week since I broke my arm 😢I’m done too x

    Liked by 5 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 28, 2017 / 12:31 pm

      Well done on day 8. I hope your arm doesn’t hurt too badly. We can do this! Thank you for your support, I really needed it today 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. jaded8 January 28, 2017 / 12:33 pm

    come on here after work and let us know how it goes for you—the hard part at this point (I think) is going to be gaining some momentum again…but you can do this!

    Just do today sober, and let us know how you feel at the end of it…

    sending hugs and strength
    jaded
    xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 8:22 am

      I’m back from work now and I feel surprisingly ok and a bit relieved so far. Day 1 is done with, now to tackle day 2 and so on… Thanks for your comment and support, it really helped. Hugs x

      Liked by 2 people

  3. beththesobergirl January 28, 2017 / 12:55 pm

    I can so identify with your post – happens to me every time. Hang in there and remember what’s waiting for you on the other side! It’s beautiful and peaceful…

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 8:25 am

      It really helps to know I’m not the only one that this happens to, that I’m not so out there after all. Beautiful and peaceful sounds like a good plan 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement Beth x

      Liked by 1 person

      • beththesobergirl January 29, 2017 / 2:00 pm

        If there is one thing you aren’t, it’s alone!! I can’t tell you how much me thinking I was alone royally screwed me for so long. I was certain that the only people who were alcoholics were my parents and people who were the stereotypical winos passed out on a park bench. I now know the difference…no one is exempt from the ravages of addiction.

        Like

  4. Kelly - A Better Path January 28, 2017 / 1:14 pm

    Hey you made it through most of January – 20 days or so – and you felt great. Just get back in the ring. You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 8:28 am

      Hi Kelly 🙂 It did feel good, I just have to remember it. I actually managed 109 days at one point last year so I can do it again! Day 2 is feeling good so far. Thank you for your support x

      Like

  5. soberisland January 28, 2017 / 3:17 pm

    Oh honey. I don’t want you to go down the spiral. Maybe it might be time to add some in person help. I’m thinking I might have to get over myself and go to some meetings. I have opened an e-mail account, soberisland2017@gmail.com if you want to talk/write and be a little less anonymous.

    Liked by 2 people

    • ainsobriety January 28, 2017 / 7:24 pm

      It’s worth trying. You never have to go back, but it is a pretty major step towards acceptance.

      Liked by 4 people

      • soberisland January 28, 2017 / 7:37 pm

        I’ve been. I know what it is and I know I have lots of judgements about it that I need to get over

        Liked by 1 person

      • ainsobriety January 28, 2017 / 7:48 pm

        I had some serious judgement too. I was extremely anti AA…but at some point I decided I would go and just listen. I was surprised.
        I don’t like it all, but it’s something.

        Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 8:35 am

      I know what you mean, I feel like I need to change up something this time. I might try to get to meditation classes at a local buddhist centre and join a local hiking group. I have a major lack of community in my life which I need to address. I have mixed feelings about meetings though… I’ll drop you an email when I get finished with my shifts for the week. I hope things are going well with you x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. sobersuitsme January 28, 2017 / 5:12 pm

    We are here for you and we have all been there time and again. I know how you are feeling. Years of struggle and now I am in this different place. A clearer version of my future life without my dear friend – wine. It has been and is a grieving process. Go easy on yourself. Beating yourself up doesn’t help. You have to be tender. If you can’t be tender come on over here and write it out. I can say, me too. Me too. Two words that are so tender.

    Liked by 5 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 8:55 am

      It really does help when I’m reminded that I’m not alone. At the moment I just feel relieved to have finally ‘said’ it out loud and accepted I have a problem. I’ll take the rest of the process a day at a time. Thank you so much for being there 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Elizabeth January 28, 2017 / 5:28 pm

    Yes, you are safe and loved here. Sending a virtual hug your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. habitdone January 28, 2017 / 7:23 pm

    I hear you. while I’m not waking up with hangovers (yet, right?), I still drink much more than the recommended amount. It’s like I have curbed part of my habit but not all of it. I still feel like I am getting ready to give it up. I’m cheering you on!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 9:12 am

      It’s been really interesting reading about your experiments. I guess one of the big questions is how much effort is it taking to keep on top of it? I feel like it is just too much effort for me but trying to reintroduce it was an important experiment as part of the process I think. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to comment on blogger blogs, for some reason each time I try it defaults to a google ID and won’t accept my wordpress one – it’s frustrating. Thanks for your kind words and the cheering, it really helps 🙂 x

      Like

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 9:03 am

      Hi Anne. I’m not sure yet. I still have mixed feelings about meetings but I have some other ideas about sober community creating activities (meditation classes/hiking group). The support I receive here helps a huge amount too. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • ainsobriety January 29, 2017 / 5:39 pm

        I agree. This is an awesome place.
        Yoga was another good spot for me.

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Tori January 28, 2017 / 10:32 pm

    We are all here for you. Try and think what you can do differently this time around – what new tools can you add to your toolbox? If you don’t want to try AA think about SMART Recovery. I don’t really enjoy it but when I am struggling I make myself go. Are you in the UK ? I referred my self to my local drugs and alcohol service because after years of trying to moderate I finally accepted I couldn’t do it on my own. They were great.

    Hugs Tori xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 9:30 am

      Hi Tori. I am in the UK. I checked out possibly going to SMART recovery before, I’ll consider it again. I struggle to find anything that fits with my strange working hours plus I don’t want to go to anything too close to where I work. It’s not the kind of environment I’d want people to know anything about this 😦 Thank you for your support. Hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Tori January 29, 2017 / 11:00 am

        I am in Birmingham and I am setting up a support group for women which I hope will offer the kind of support I needed – a bit like the support we offer each other online. If you happen to be in Birmingham I can let you have details. Of if you want to email me its tori@sothisissober.com xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • tiredoftreadingwater January 30, 2017 / 9:11 am

        I’m in Northamptonshire about 1.5 hours drive from there so not a million miles away. That’s definitely something I would consider coming to, thank you, I’ll email you later when I’m not rushing around for work 🙂

        Like

  10. I Quit Wineing January 28, 2017 / 11:14 pm

    It is the best gift you can give yourself. Nothing that is precious is easy to obtain. We have to work hard to reach sobriety. But it is worth it. You deserve that.

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 29, 2017 / 9:33 am

      I like that way of thinking, that I’m giving myself a gift. It’s time, it’s long overdue in fact. Thank you for your kind words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hurrahforcoffee January 29, 2017 / 7:29 am

    The day you accept it is the day you can stop the struggle! It’s a GOOD day. The struggle with trying to moderate is soul destroying and sucks the life out of you. (I know I sound like a stuck record) Read ‘this naked mind’ by annie grace, it helped me so much. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  12. daisy4leafclover January 29, 2017 / 10:46 am

    Now’s your time, it’s a brand new year. Don’t get to the end of it with another year of regrets. Time to make that change, for good xx

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Paul S January 29, 2017 / 1:45 pm

    Surrendering is what did it for me. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to let go of the notion that surrendering meant I was “weak”. There is noble strength in surrender. You can do this 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater January 30, 2017 / 9:15 am

      I’ve previously done some surrendering experiments in a meditation/spiritual context so hopefully they will help now. Feeling good so far… Thanks for your encouragement 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Mark David Goodson February 1, 2017 / 8:54 pm

    Surrendering is the most important thing we do! It is the only thing we can do perfectly. It is so uplifting to read about your decision to quit fighting! There is true freedom on the other side of this thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. comingoutfromthedark February 15, 2017 / 7:46 pm

    You are not alone! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt this way. Keep remembering what would happen and how you would feel if you did follow through and did drink.. you would have to go through this all over again. I know you can do this. One day at a time! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater February 16, 2017 / 10:49 am

      Hi, thank you for your kind words and support. It helps knowing that others know and understand 🙂 x

      Like

  16. Bill Ludwig April 4, 2017 / 3:40 pm

    For the past 21 years I have found not only the support I needed to not drink but have discovered a way to love my life. I could not do it without AA, the steps, and the people. I have found that my ego has been my chief problem. So when I get out of the way I am able to learn from others. From some I learn what to do and from others I learn what not to do. I can not learn any of this if I stay home. At meetings I watch people blossom and I watch others die. I wish you joy and a full heart as you discover your path on your journey….

    Like

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