140 days – mixed times

It’s been a fairly mixed couple of weeks since I last posted. My health scare turned out ok – not entirely good, but nothing too serious. There’s nothing like it for getting your healthy motivation on though. I ate really well and did anything else I could think of to be good to my body. Since getting my test results that has slacked off somewhat. Isn’t that so often the way it goes?

I did have a week off coffee and sugar and felt a lot better for it. I’m plagued by the daily dragging fatigue that Hashimoto’s brings. Without these two things in my diet the fatigue definitely eases a bit and becomes less hard-edged. You know the classic scene in a zombie movie where the new zombie sits up in its grave, jaw dropping and looking oddly surprised that it’s upright and alive? That should give you a good impression of what I usually feel like waking up. During that week I actually felt something close to a normal (?) sort of waking up sleepiness. The coffee and sweeties have both crept back in but the experiment has given me something to think about.

I also hit another happy milestone since my last post – I lost a stone (14lbs/6.35kg). Not in two weeks obviously but it’s been creeping off slowly over the last few months – and creeping back on, and off again and round in a few circles, as it does. My super healthy living around my health scare seems to have kick started it again. A couple of pounds have crept back on but I’m still in a much better place than I have been for years. I feel sluggish and rubbish after eating lots of junk for the last 3 days, it’s time to eat clean again and feel better. I don’t want to backslide all the way back up the scale again, or feel like an overfed sugar-crashing slug.

Being sober is becoming normalised now and something I’m not thinking about so much. My thinking about not drinking has lessened and doesn’t take up such a large percentage of my days now. Some days I don’t even think about it at all. Many days I’m not sure what my day count is. I have had a few moments where I can clearly identify what I would previously have called a craving and set off down the path of drinking thoughts. Now I realise that I’m feeling a bit ‘off’ somehow – bored, restless, anxious, unfocussed, cranky, fearful etc but my brain is becoming less likely to skip straight to the ‘DRINK!’ to make it ok phase and instead stays longer with the uncomfortable feelings. This means I’m feeling a fair bit of discomfort at the moment but I wouldn’t swap it for where I started from.

I miss my pink cloud days but I do appreciate that what I’m feeling is real. Life feels dull, ploddy, scattered and uninspired at times but I can accept that because that’s just the way life works, and I know that at other times it can also feel wonderful.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend x

 

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17 thoughts on “140 days – mixed times

  1. Hurrahforcoffee June 17, 2017 / 7:21 am

    I am glad to hear that the health scare turned out to be something you can manage…I also feel like I am learning to sit with discomfort. Honestly would rather sit with this than go back to day one. that fills me with such dread. I am happy to hear things are going well although things arent perfect you are in a new phase of your sobriety and it sounds like you are coping amazingly well! . xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater June 18, 2017 / 7:28 am

      Thanks Hurrah! Oh hell no, the thought of another hideous day 1 hangover is definitely worse than my hardest sober days. I think I am shifting into a new phase, you’re right – but then I guess every day is a new phase for me now! πŸ˜€ x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. feelingmywaybackintolife June 17, 2017 / 7:57 am

    “But my brain is becoming less likely to skip straight to the β€˜DRINK!’ to make it ok phase and instead stays longer with the uncomfortable feelings” Cool!
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

      • feelingmywaybackintolife June 18, 2017 / 7:37 am

        πŸ™‚ Yes, I am thinking that is what it takes; attention. I made the decission to not drink but because it is an addiction that decission needs to be re-inforced a lot. “Constant vigilance” as Moody said during Defense against the dark arts in one of the Harry Potter movies :-))
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  3. S_MW June 17, 2017 / 8:04 am

    I can identify so much with nearly everything you write. I’ve realised, from reading about your journey, that the substance may be different, but the addiction and how that affects ones health and life is basically the same. I’m unhappy, tired, fed up and unmotivated right now so that has me eating unhealthy shit and more of it. I’m putting on weight. I’m back on that damned cycle of self loathing -> eat shit -> self loathing. BUT, I am so grateful to you for writing in such a easy-read format which has made it clear to me what I’m doing. So happy to see you back here. I’d missed you. I was concerned about you too. X

    Liked by 3 people

    • mikeykjr June 17, 2017 / 3:20 pm

      “I’ve realised, from reading about your journey, that the substance may be different, but the addiction and how that affects ones health and life is basically the same. ” A great point many miss entirely! Very well said!

      Liked by 3 people

      • S_MW June 17, 2017 / 6:30 pm

        Thank you @mikeykjr. I’ve known this for a very long time and have been successful in getting well with my particular addiction (which is not alcohol), but I’ve screwed up lately. I hope that anyone who does the same as me, realises that it’s important to get back on the horse as soon as possible. Don’t beat yourself up, ever. The strength and tenacity of people whose blogs I’ve read here is bloody amazing.

        Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater June 18, 2017 / 7:37 am

      Yes, there are so many similarities in so many of the blogs I read – I recognise myself in them, I recognise myself in the pattern you write above too. Finding the similarities helps me to realise I’m not alone and to more readily accept what is happening. I’m very happy if my ramblings are of any help to you, I really appreciate you saying so. That was my longest gap between posting for a while I guess, but I’m here to stay, not going away πŸ™‚ X

      Liked by 2 people

      • S_MW June 18, 2017 / 7:52 am

        I had heard of Hashimoto’s and I’ve had symptoms that have prompted Drs to test me. Despite that, I’ve no problem with my thyroid, but instead I’ve PCOS – diagnosed years ago so old news lol. I think that me and you and many others appear to be in a bit of a funk right now. Is it the weather? Haha.

        I was so relieved that you hadn’t disappeared entirely. ❀

        Like

      • tiredoftreadingwater June 18, 2017 / 8:19 am

        Uh oh, PCOS is no fun either 😦 I was diagnosed over a decade ago too. Lifestyle changes help but sometimes knowing what to do and actually doing them are two entirely different things.
        I guess being in a funk is part of the package sometimes, hopefully we’ll all perk up soon enough.
        I have an email for the blog it’s tiredoftreadingwater (at) gmail.com. If I get lazy about posting I can also be reached there πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • S_MW June 18, 2017 / 8:31 am

        Oh that’s great. I don’t email often but it’s good to have that option as a backup. 😊 x

        Liked by 1 person

  4. mikeykjr June 17, 2017 / 3:50 pm

    I’m glad to hear your medical condition is under control. For me, life has its up’s and downs. We think everything is fine and BOOM we suddenly feel our lives are a mess again even in sobriety. I refer to those situations as “curve balls”. I’ve learned to be vigilant in my sobriety. But when my life is “normal” I do try to enjoy those times to the best of my ability. Sobriety doesn’t have to be dull. Now you can make your own path and enjoy it!

    Like

  5. Untipsyteacher June 17, 2017 / 11:17 pm

    Dear TOTW,
    I am really glad your health scare isn’t something really bad.
    I am always surprised how much weight a pound is…when I look at a pound of butter, or pick up a 5 pound weight, I understand how hard that is on my body.
    When I was at your number of days, it still wasn’t easy.
    For me, it took even longer for my body and mind to heal.
    Keep looking forward.
    My life can be up and down too, depending on a lot of things.
    Hugs and Happy day 140!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    • tiredoftreadingwater June 18, 2017 / 7:53 am

      Thanks Wendy πŸ™‚ I always notice in my hip, knee and foot joints if I’ve got weight on. Because I spend 30 hours a week walking around on a hard floor at work my feet particularly take a hammering. Since this weight came off my feet don’t hurt after work, yay! I know I still have plenty of work to do but I’m ready, definitely forwards, not backwards. Hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. dealingwithalcoholdependency June 18, 2017 / 1:07 pm

    I am at stage of trying to control my alcohol intake as I cannot envisage life without this constant companion. But the relationship is getting strained so reading your blog is good for me as I shows (warts and all) that it is possible to give up and move on. One day I may have to bite the bullet. Thanks for showing there is a way out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tiredoftreadingwater June 19, 2017 / 9:16 am

      Hi! Thanks for your lovely comment. I remember that strain so well, I’ve been there so often. The constant energy that I expended to keep on top of my drinking was exhausting and didn’t even work for the last few years. There is a definitely a way out. I’d be lying if I said it was easy but I guess very few worthwhile things in life are. Take care πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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